Love

Stolen and barely modified from http://xkcd.com/112/

Opinions and advice

Opinions. They're like belly buttons. Everybody's got one, but most of the time you don't want it rubbed right in your face. But that's exactly what people do when they give you unsolicited advice. They take their big, nasty, lint-filled belly button and rub it all over your poor little face. Smell the belly button. SMELL IT!!!!

Sometimes, if the person is a close friend, or if they're a bit of an expert on a subject, you don't mind. Any of my close friends know me well enough to know when it's a good idea to mention something they think I could do differently, and when it's a better plan to just keep quiet, let me make my own mistakes and be there later to pick up the pieces. As for experts, even I know that if someone who really knows what they're talking about wants to help you out, you're probably best to listen.

The problem is, most people just think they're experts....especially at things like relationships. They tell all sorts of stuff. Things that are often the exact opposite of what you're doing, or what you would do. Otherwise what's the point of telling you. No sense in advising someone you already think is doing it right. The problem is, these people usually aren't your friends. They're probably coworkers, or friends of friends, or something else. The key though is they don't know you. They don't understand what makes you tick. Their advice is filtered through their own experiences, likes and dislikes, and their own successes and failures. Not yours.

They tell me to take it slow. Or to give her space. Or they tell me it's common law after 6 months and she could totally screw me over. They remind me that she doesn't have a job, and say she's "freeloading". They say it's too soon after "T". Too soon for her to have moved in. Too soon to have gone ring shopping 'just to look". Too soon to have bought the ring. Too soon to be talking about her as the partner I'm going to spend the rest of my life with.

It's not everyone of course. The vast majority of people have been very supportive. They're happy for me because I'm happy. They see the hope in my eyes, and the smile I just can't shake and they know that this time it's real. They know that when you know, you just know. That when the right person comes along there is no such thing as too soon, or too fast.

But it's the naysayers I'm talking about here. The people who have had bad experiences and heartbreaks and just want to project them onto my life. They have made bad choices them selves, or been hurt, or taken advantage of, and haven't been able to shake it off and move forward. Well you know what naysayers? I've been hurt too. And I've made bad choices. I've been taken advantage of. And for a long time, I wouldn't, no....couldn't shake that off. I've had "friends" stab me in the back. I've ignored all the warning signs and dove headfirst into shallow water only to have it turn out just as bad as you'd expect. But, I've learned from those experiences, and then I took what I learned and I've finally been able to move. I have baggage, just like everybody else, but I try my best not to project previous failures onto my present situation with "E". And I certainly don't need other people trying to project their own baggage, and fears and failures onto my relationship with "E". She and I are in love. We're fully committed to making this work, and seeing it through right til the end.....which will be a very long time from now.

So you naysayers.....stop your naysaying, and get your damned belly buttons out of my face.

Here's your stuff, bye.

So, a fairly big stumbling block on "E" and my way to bliss and happiness has been the fact that a fairly large portion of her stuff was still at her ex's house. I mentioned this way back in the post about our first big fight but nothing had really been done about it.

She kept planning on going, but never got around to actually doing it. She really didn't want to go alone, to avoid any major guilt trips, or sleep-over requests, or worse. But she didn't want to bring me along to avoid any confrontations, or freak-outs, or savage beatings (of me).

So she kept planning on inviting some friends and family along, but it just never happened. We were always doing something or other on the weekends, and she was just dreading the phone call she'd have to make to let him know she was coming. I don't even think she's talked to him since she and I started dating in early December, so how do you start that phone call. Back then he was still probably thinking she was coming back, and now she's living with me, and we're seriously discussing marriage and kids etc. She needed to let the guy know for sure that she'd moved on, the door was closed, etc, but she didn't want to completely blindside him either.


But then, last night, "E" got a post on her wall on facebook (classy btw) from her brother. "Dar left your stuff at my house, come get it". All of a sudden she goes from wondering how she can gently close the door on "Dar", to getting it slammed in her face. It's like getting fired just before you can quit, or getting dumped while you're figuring out how to let the other person down easy. Even if you're completely over things yourself, it takes you by surprise, blindsides you, and makes you wonder what the hell just happened.

"E" was up all night last night, unable to sleep. I'm sure part of it was the punch in the gut that this would have felt like, but I know she's ok. She's also worried about what stuff he brought. Wondering what's there, what's going to be missing (and possibly gone forever), what might be broken. It's a tough situation, I know I wouldn't want someone else sorting out my stuff and packing it up for me with little to no input on my part. Also, despite her reservations she did really want to go visit her old place one more time. See the house, the yard she landscaped, and visit their dog. Heck, even just one final, proper goodbye to the man she spent 5 years of her life with.

From my perspective though, this is probably the best way this could have worked out. She doesn't have to go up there and visit. I don't have to worry about her going up there to visit. She doesn't have to worry about letting him down easy, that she's never coming back to him. I take this as an indication that he finally knows. I don't have to worry about him trying to win her back. We simply have to drive up to Red Deer and get the stuff from her brother. Nice and casual, easy as pie.

I do feel really bad that because of this "E" might not get to see her wonderful dog again. I have two amazing dogs, and "E" loves them to death, but she had to leave her own dog behind when she left, and that's hard. I couldn't do it. If I didn't get to keep Daisy when I left "A", I probably couldn't have done it, and I know if I didn't let "A" borrow Daisy pretty much whenever she likes that she would be miserable.



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And in slightly related news, something that I have somehow forgotten to mention on here.

A few weeks back, "E" and I went ring shopping, "just to look". That was not actually my full intention at the time of inviting her, I wanted to find out what she likes so I could pick it up immediately. She picked out a lovely classic looking ring with one big diamond in the center of a circle of small diamonds. Very very pretty. She went off to look at some other stuff and I ordered the ring that day. I can pick it up anytime now. Maybe I'll post a pic when I do.

I know she's the one. She's my true love, and my forever. I just know that we can work out any disagreement, and that we will spend the rest of our lives together.

One thing I was waiting for was her finally moving her stuff here. It's not here yet, but it's a whole lot closer. Guess I'd better get my thinking cap on and figure out a spectacular way to give it to her.

So, why the new location?

Why did I just burn "Anonymous Rantings...." and move everything here?

Well, basically, I screwed up my own policy of anonymity, and it came back to bite me on the ass. Since things were going so well with "E", I thought it would be safe to not only tell her the blog addy, but also let her tell her buds.

So that worked out fine for about a week, and then the events leading to the "Ugly on the Outside" post happened. As outlined in the post, I was pretty upset at first, but then I got over it, and feel better about the whole thing. End of story.

Or was it.

Well, for starters, "E" was upset because I wrote about my concern that her and her pals inviting me out for wings was just to make fun of me, when she had explained prior to me blogging that it most definitely not. She actually invited me along because she was really upset, and wanted me there as a friend because she'd gotten a call from her doctor regarding a very abnormal PAP result. I know she's not lying about this, so my concerns had been alleviated prior to my writing the post, however I wrote it the way I did because I was outlining my thought process as it happened, and that was my first thought. Should I have explained the specific conclusion to that event....probably....but I didn't. Sorry "E".

Next concern was from "E" and "S's" friend "C". She's one of the friends that I jointly criticized for enjoying mocking people and making fun of them. She felt pretty hurt that I thought she was horrible and mean. Fair enough. But I don't think she's a bad person, I just really don't think that's the best hobby to have. I'm sure in a few years, looking back, they'd all feel pretty bad about it. I really can imagine myself going out on a plenty of fish blind date with a girl and have it end up being a posse of friends just there to make fun of me. But I never meant to make you feel bad, so I'll add a sorry "C".

And then the real reason for the change of locations. The original cause of the post. "S". Pretty much as soon as it went up, "E" was concerned that "S" would be incredibly mad at her. Since as laid out in my blog post, "E" had nothing to do with me finding "S's" blog, the only reason I could figure for this was that "E" had told her the truth about me reading the blog. I didn't actually find it through "E's" blog, but I made up that story, because it was possible, and to protect "E" in case "S" was upset. The truth is that "E" gave me the addy (without even screening it for content) apparently without asking "S" if it was ok. Whoops. So she scrambled the jets the other day and told "S" about me reading it and being upset. Of course "S" felt bad, she felt horrible. And then my post comes out and "E's" kinda caught in the middle like a kid with his hand in the cookie jar.

Also, both "C" and "E" thought my comment about "S's" marriage was uncalled for and overly mean. I can kinda see their point....but I really don't think I should be the one worrying about stepping on toes and upsetting people in this situation. "S's" marriage fell apart in a flurry of craziness and abuse from her husband. "E" is legitimately concerned that one day "S's" husband might still come along and kill her. But does that make me posting a snide comment about the whole affair off limits? I don't think it does. I know it's wrong to blame the victim in situations of abuse. But, if something happens once, you're a victim. If something happens twice, you're still a victim, but maybe you need to take a look at what you could do differently. If it happens over and over again, you're not a victim anymore, you're an accessory.

From her own blog post, she says she considers herself pretty but not very smart or interesting. My thoughts were simply that maybe if she had a little higher opinion of herself she might have found a different guy, or gotten away from that one sooner. I don't know the whole back story, I only met "S" in November, so I'm not an expert on her life....just sharing the same thoughts I would have about nearly anyone in a similar situation. So yeah, I've left that part of the post intact.

"E", "C", and "S" were all readers of the old blog....and apparently that wasn't a good idea. I may tell "E" about this one, because she's my love, my heart, and my best friend, and I want her to know what I'm thinking. But the other two don't need to see it. And since I can't erase their knowledge of where the old site is, I had to move. That's that.

As for the new name. Well, I figured I might as well look to the post that caused the move for inspiration. Basically, I'm so ugly, that I play Monopoly just to get the self-esteem boost that pulling the "You won second prize in a beauty contest, collect $10" gives. :D

I'm only ugly on the outside.

So one of the best parts of this little alternate reality we call the interweb is the ability to find out stuff about other people that maybe they don't show you as readily in the meatspace. Like this blog for instance. Do you really think I'd be sitting down with you over coffee and blabbing all of this stuff? Not freaken likely. But, I like to write, and I like to think that I entertain people, and so I've told a few select people about this blog. But I don't advertise it everywhere. Unlike my website and my other blog which I try to generate as much traffic to as possible. So why am I blabbing on and on about blog privacy when the title of this post is obviously leaning towards a self-pitying mess? Well, through reading "E's" blog, I noticed that some of her friends had commented on her posts, as friends often do. And these friends have blogger accounts too. And one of them is dreadfully boring and will not be discussed here at any length. But one of the commenters is her cousin "S" and her blog seemed to be a decent read.

It starts out with her going on at length about her failing/failed marriage, and moves on to talking about some guys she was interested in. Then it chronicles pretty much all the emails between her and one of the guys (CW) as she reels him in despite him having a live-in girlfriend back at home.

Of course, I really only enjoyed the read until I discovered what was written there about me. Just how I post stuff here about myself that perhaps I wouldn't advertise to others, "S" has written a bit about her opinion of me, which she certainly hasn't been too upfront about. (Understandable, considering what that opinion is).

Apparently "E" sent "S" a couple pictures of me, and of my g/f at the time, "T" (don't worry, I'll get to her on here eventually), and of a picture "T" had painted for me. I can't really say I'm too impressed with "E" about this, since the only reason to send these pics would be for the people looking at them to make fun of them. And make fun of them they did. Some highlights:

Referring to me:

S: "He is the fug one in exhibit A, and exhibit E."
CW: "He kinda looks like this guy" (sends picture of Gargamel)
S: "I told you he's horrible."
S: "ugh, he is so gross...I just don't get how she can even do it."
CW: "I look at it over and over again.. like a bad car accident. like really.. even his girlfriend.. what the hell is she thinking?"

So yeah. I could post the whole thing. Or the link. But I won't. The highlights are enough. I promise I'm not taking it out of context and that the rest of the post is not actually a total 180 that goes on to praise my looks. When I read this, I was pretty pissed off. Not really at "S" so much. I mean, whatever, she thinks I'm ugly. I've been called ugly before. I'm not a "conventionally good looking" guy. It's not like I play Monopoly just hoping to draw the "You Won 2nd Place In a Beauty Contest" card to boost my self worth. (Although it probably would). It certainly explains why I've felt so uncomfortable the couple times since then that "S" complimented me on my outfits. Probably because she:
A) still thinks I'm too ugly to live, but feels guilty so she tries to pretend
B) has gotten used to me enough that she's no longer recoiling in horror, but still feels the severe pangs of insincerity when she forces herself to say something nice.

But in the end, it's ok. I'm not trying to impress her. She seems to have already impressed herself enough for both of us anyway. From another post:

"I get it, I'm a pretty girl. And not in a "from a certain angle" way. In an obvious way. It's a long hair thing, and a nice rack thing. Nice Racks are a key to the obvious pretty. It's how men see me. I'm not a smart girl, or an interesting girl, I'm a pretty girl. The hair and the rack."

Lucky her. I'm glad she thinks she's so fucking pretty. It's really hard looking in the mirror everyday and hating what you see, would be much easier if I was that deluded. I don't know her well enough to say if she's a smart girl, or an interesting girl, but she seems to have shallow and mean down pretty solid. Maybe if she thought she had a little more to offer the world than her "long hair" and her "nice rack" she wouldn't be extracting herself from such a fuckmess of a marriage. But like I said, it's ok. I'm not trying to impress her, and her personal opinion doesn't really affect me. Every girl I've dated has said I'm cute, and "E" says I'm cute, handsome, beautiful etc, and that's what's important in all this.

The problem is, this blog, and the thought process it led me down, has me really wondering about that. For starters. What's up with "E" sending a bunch of pictures of me and "T" to someone just to make fun of? "Well, Ren, you can't assume they'd make fun of them", you could say in her defense. But I say that's bunk. That's what "E" and her friends do when they get together. They make fun of people. Sure, I like to look at the world and laugh at what I think is strange, different or unpleasant, but sometimes they take it a lot farther than I'm comfortable with.

For example, the painting that "T" made me that "E" emailed to "S". It's of a couple of gophers kissing while standing next to a vespa type scooter. Well, "E" herself made a replica of it, just as a mockery. And of course she passed it along to "S" just for a laugh at the expense of "T" and her original. But the blog reveals, "S's" toy "CW" made his own reproduction, which was passed back to "E" who thought it was "legendary". "E" even suggested that "S" and their other gal-pal "C" should make their own copies. Ah, so mature. I know that pic of "T's" isn't anything wonderful, and is definitely a little strange. But her heart was in the right place when she made it, and it's really petty and immature to make fun of something made with good intentions. I thought it was sweet, and a nice gesture so making a mockery of it simply makes me think less "E" and her friends. I knew about "E's" version of it, and I didn't like the sentiment behind it at all, but having it become a group arts-and-crafts project really upsets me.

Another example of their warm, compassionate sides for you? The bunch of them set up accounts on Plenty of Fish, simply for the purpose of having fake dates with losers so they could have a laugh. I got invited along to one of these, to join the chorus of laughing, but I think I had hockey. I'm glad I couldn't make it. Looking back though I wonder if I wasn't actually invited along to two of these. The first time I met "E's" friends "S" and "C" it was over wings at a pub. "E" swears it wasn't (she says they just wanted to meet me, and she was having a bad day and wanted a friend around), but I suspect this was just one of their set-ups. Bring some unsuspecting guy in, and have the jackals pick him apart. Not a really good feeling. I can't remember if this meeting happened before or after the blog post, but since this was the first time "S" met me in person, I'm sure it really helped improve her opinion.

But the part that really has me wondering about "E" and her character is the Gargamel reference in the blog post. Since they seem to share everything, I'm sure "S" passed on that conversation to "E". And I can't say I really expected her to stand up for me and make a fuss about them calling me ugly, and comparing me to Gargamel. We weren't dating at the time, so whatever. But I would expect that if someone really actually liked me, they wouldn't let something horrible like that develop into a regular nickname.

Well, about a month or so after the date of this blog post, "E" and I were in bed when she kinda sighed "oh Gargy". I was like WTF!?! right on the spot. She babbled out some story about how her roomie is a big Smurfs fan and she was thinking about the episode where Smurfette ends up with some rose-coloured glasses that make her fall in love with Gargamel. She said she wouldn't refer to me that way again, and I didn't really think anything of it. But after reading this blog post, a bunch of ideas have come into my head. It takes a while to actually make something develop as a nickname for someone. Especially if it's more cumbersome than the persons actual name. It takes repetition and frequent use, otherwise you just revert back to the proper name. Why the hell is she calling me Gargamel, a full month after someone refers to me as Gargamel to her cousin in an email? I know she and her friends tend to use nicknames for people almost exclusively, is this my nickname? And even if her story was true, how wonderful is it to think of me as a horrible sorcerer that only made her like me through some type of witchcraft.

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So I read the blog. And I thought. And I pondered. And I started writing a blog post of my own. And I read and I thought and I pondered and I blogged until about 5:30 in the morning. And when I couldn't stand to be in the same bed as "E" for another moment, I went downstairs and played XBOX and fumed. Eventually the dogs woke up and woke up "E" with them. She came down and asked why I wasn't in bed. I told her I couldn't sleep, and she knew something was wrong. She got upset, and finally I told her what was on my mind. I actually showed her a cleaned up version of my first blog post. The first version was possibly the nastiest thing I've ever written. The sanitized version she got was still pretty nasty. So be glad you're not reading those.

But she read it, and then she started to cry. And I wanted her to cry. I wanted her to feel bad. I wanted her to feel as bad as all the people who have ever been mean to me my whole life should feel but never will. And I wanted her to beg my forgiveness. And she did. But she knows I have never forgiven in my life. I hold grudges forever, like little balls of hate, that grow and grow until I can get my revenge. I wanted her to never tell "S" that I read her blog so I could save this information and possibly even gather more, and then use it to destroy "S". I wanted to call up "CW's" girlfriend (thanks for providing his full name "S" on the post titled "Observations" from Dec 9/08 - you might wanna fix that), send her the link to the blog, and see what kind of shit hit the fan then. I wanted to break up with "E" to teach everyone a lesson about how they should be nicer to me.

And through her tears, "E" said she was sorry and that she loved me. That she didn't know what was on the blog, because she hadn't read it all yet. That she wished I'd never seen it. I asked her if she played along, or if she stood up for me, and she confessed to not standing up for me. She swore that she never called me Gargamel though, and that it was never a routine nickname for me. And she promised that me meeting her and the girls for wings wasn't just a set-up for horribleness.

Did I believe "E"? Not for a second. So what did I do then? I made her promise she wouldn't tell "S" I read her blog. The posts on there stop right around when "E" and I started dating and I wanted to see what other kind of horrible revelations popped up. I know with all the cynical knowledge I have of the human race that there wasn't just the one really horrible email exchange. There would be at least one more caused by the beginning of our relationship. It would go on and on about how horrible I was, and how ugly I still was, and how "E" could do better. So in this way, telling her not to tell "S" was a test. If no more horrible posts show up, I would know that "E" had broken her promise and could not be trusted. Also I would have a pretty good idea that "E" knew what future posts would contain and was worried about their content. On the flip side, if the blog posts did show up, I would know "E" had kept her promise, but I would have a bunch more insight into "S" and "CW's" thoughts on things. And from that, I could probably confirm my nickname suspicion, and maybe even more. A masterful plan. Foolproof right?

Wrong. What that plan doesn't take into account is my love for "E". While she was crying, and apologizing, and I was thinking evil thoughts, a little ray of light shone into me. And for once in my life I grabbed onto that little ray of light instead of focusing on my balls of hate. I thought about all the wonderful times that "E" and I have had, and of all the amazing future times I want to have with her. I thought about marrying her, and about having children with her. And I thought about what a wonderful person she is. And about how sorry she was for what had happened. And how scared she was of losing me. And I knew I still wanted to spend the rest of my life with her.

So, I forgave her.

I still don't believe her version of things. My head's version of things seems a lot more realistic, but I've realized it doesn't matter. I love her, and something like this doesn't change that. She's sorry for whatever part she played in it, and I know nothing like this will happen again. I don't need to find out if she told "S" about my reading her blog. It's unfair to play a game testing the extent of a person's loyalty between two people. Especially with a possible guilty conscience thrown in. I don't care what you put on there "S", because "E" is the one I care about and I know she loves me. So blog what you like, or censor what you like, I won't be reading it anymore anyway. And I forgive you too. I'm sure reading this will make you feel bad. I'm sorry, please know that I don't want to make you feel any worse than that. But I want this to be over, and holding a grudge about any part of it, towards any of the participants would be poison to "E" and my happiness.

Forgiveness is not something that comes naturally to me, but I'd like to work on it. If you stick around you'll get to read about me and forgiveness. About hurt feelings, and broken confidences, and about heartbreaks that I still can't really understand. All of them, little balls of hate, bouncing around inside me, clamoring for their chance at revenge. But that's not how it's gonna be anymore and I think this is the first step towards getting rid of all of them.

Worst Boyfriend Ever

The worst boyfriend ever is at it again. Who's that you ask. ME! I answer.

What now? Well, read on and I'll tell you.

I've been burning up with guilt the last couple weeks because I screwed up. And because I was feeling guilty, my messed up head convinced myself that "E" was doing horrible things too. It's funny how that works. When you're hiding something yourself, it's very easy to start thinking the people around you are doing the same, and when you're as neurotic as me, it's extra easy.

So last night my fears and suspicions overwhelmed me, and I worked myself into a complete frenzy. "E" was already asleep, and I find writing usually helps me organize my thoughts, and get on top of things, so I wrote her an email.

She told me, "just to make me jealous" one time that if I'd waited much longer to become available and start dating her, it wouldn't have been a big deal because she had lots of other options. I didn't doubt that for a second, she's simply amazing, and any guy would love to have her. I asked her who, just because I'm snoopy like that, and she told me she had an actual date with one of the lawyers at her old work the night before we started dating. I was stunned. I was sure that she'd already known by then that she and I were going to be together, but then I find out she was going out with other people right up to the last minute....what did that mean?

I asked her for details, and since I probably appeared completely shaken up, she told me. She went for drinks after work, then supper. That was it. Just one date, and barely a date at that. She said she didn't even take it seriously but it was something to do. And why was I worried anyway? I was still dating "T" when it happened, so I couldn't really say anything. I told her I believed her, and that everything was fine....but I was still a bit upset. I teased her about it later that evening which upset her, and I promised not to bug her about it anymore.




It probably would have all been ok, but I had my own guilty secret, which hadn't even happened yet. Back in the first days of "E" and I dating, a work pal mentioned that she knew of a girl that would be perfect for me and that she wanted to set us up. I never really thought much of it at the time, but as time passed, my friend ended up setting up a blind date for the two of us at the Flames game on Jan 30th. I should have never let the ball get rolling. I should have canceled it when things with "E" and I got serious (pretty much immediately). I should have definitely not let it get to be the week it was supposed to happen, and have it still set to go.

But it was. And I told my friend at work that I have a serious girlfriend, and that I shouldn't go. She said it was too late to cancel. I mean what the hell, it wasn't too late, but I still went along with things. I don't know why. I guess with my limited success with the ladies over the years, saying "no" isn't a skill I've really perfected.

So the day of the "date" I was just frantic. I also had the worst cold ever. If you'll recall, the 30th is the day I met "E's" mom for the first time. I was such a mess right before she arrived that I almost passed out. I told "E" it was a mix of nerves, being sick, and not eating....but I know it was guilt. And by then it really was too late to cancel. There was going to be some poor young lady waiting at the game with an empty seat beside her, expecting a guy to show up. I just couldn't bail out then. I had to suck it up and go. So I survived the short visit with Mother "E", and then headed to the game.

She was there when I got there, and the national anthems were just starting. We sat through them, and made our introductions. I was so sick I can't even remember her name. We ended up sitting silently through the game, with only a couple attempts at small talk through the entire three periods. By the end of the game, my throat was so sore, and I was coughing so bad, I couldn't even talk anymore. After the three stars we just said goodbye and drifted into the crowd in our own directions.

I rushed home to "E" who was also under the weather, and we cuddled and everything was good. I told her about some of the characters I'd seen at the game, and some of the people on the train (also documented at my other blog), and we had a good laugh. But the guilt was killing me.




But I didn't want to tell "E" what a dumbass I'd been. I mean....it wasn't a big deal. Just a silly blind date, set up nearly 2 months prior, and I didn't expect it to go anywhere and didn't even make an effort once I was there. I decided I wasn't going to tell her.

But then the guilt really started tearing me up. I remembered back to that date she had, and I started thinking all sorts of things. One time when we were fighting, I asked her if the lawyer guy was a better kisser than me. She blurted out "no", and then caught herself and told me that she'd never kissed him. Hmm....which one is it I wondered. I pressed her a bit, and she said she never kissed the guy. She couldn't have come over and hung out with me that night if she had (and she did that night). And what was I worrying about anyway. "E" and I weren't dating, so I had no right to worry about or dictate her activities.

Well...her original blurt, and the round-about denial with the exemption clause (I didn't kiss him, but if I did....you can't be mad...we weren't dating) just gave my guilt-crazed psyche way too much to work with. If I was going on blind dates that were meaningless.....what kind of horrible things was she up to? I think it's human nature to try not to think of yourself as the worst human being on earth, so it's nice to have someone else to project your horribleness on. And that's what I did.

I started having dreams of her breaking up with me. Telling me that she'd had another boyfriend all along. That her one date was just the start of something bigger, and that she was going to leave me for him, that all her talk about getting married, and having kids with me was just some kind of horrible game, and he was really the man for her. All sorts of stuff. None of it true, but all of it vividly real. I knew it wasn't true....but if I had such an awful secret, maybe she wasn't being completely honest too.

Finally it all got to be too much. My suspicions overwhelmed my reason, and I wrote "E" an email. It asked, no accused, her of lying to me about her date, and everything to do with it. It rambled. It apologized for being a jealous jerk. And then, finally, it got to the real meat of the issue. I told her about my stupid "date". Because that was really it. She wasn't doing anything wrong, but I couldn't believe her when I was being so bad myself. So I spilled the beans. It was 1:30am, and she was asleep. But I needed to tell her, so I woke her up. She was groggy and confused, but she read it. And then she answered my silly questions about her date. But I told her that wasn't the real issue....I didn't really doubt her.

It was all me. So I told her what I did. And I tried to tell her why I did it.....but I really couldn't. I still don't know exactly why I went ahead with it. I've cheated on nearly every girlfriend I've ever had, and here I was doing it all over again. I didn't kiss the girl or anything....but she thought it was a "date", and I did it behind "E's" back. I promised myself I'd never do that again when I broke up with "A", but here I was being a jackass almost just like before.

I shouldn't have ever agreed to go.
I shouldn't have let things get set up at all.
I should have ended things a dozen times before the actual date.
Since I didn't, I should have told "E" beforehand.
Since I didn't tell "E" beforehand, I should have told her immediately afterwards.
Since I didn't tell "E" immediately after, I should have told her before I started making up horrible stories in my head about her having another boyfriend etc.

So "E's" still pretty mad at me, and she's right to be. I'm pretty mad at me. I wish I could go back and do it all properly. But I can't, so now we're going to work through it. But we will, and we'll be better than ever. I know I can trust her, now I just have to convince her she can trust me again.

Crushes and other frustrations

So, now that I've managed to thoroughly creep out my best friend with my last post....I figure it's time to go through some of the other girls that I liked, but never got anywhere with prior to her.


"KR" - (1990-1992) I met her in junior high in Estevan. We met because my locker was right beside (or 2 down...I forget) hers due to being in the same grade and both our last names starting with "R". I don't know if I really had a "crush" on her but she was one of the first females of my adolescent life that I actually talked to. We were both honour roll students so most of the conversations consisted of comparing marks and making fun of the other when we outscored them. I don't think she ever dated anyone when I knew her....maybe I should have taken the chance. I can't imagine how different my life could have been if I'd gotten the first girlfriend thing out of the way then, instead of after my first year of college.

"MN" - (1992-1994ish?)I met her out at my parent's cottage, her grandparents owned the cottage next door to ours. I can't remember exactly how she overlapped with "S" but I thought she was cute. I definitely had a crush on her and we hung out pretty much whenever we could. We'd walk around just talking about stuff for hours. I'm not sure that I made any sense since most of my brain-power was dedicated to berating myself for being so shy and trying to convince myself to hold her hand or something........anything. We hung out during the summers for a couple years and I never got my courage up. My sister ended up marrying one of her cousins (who also used the cottage) so at least that proximity didn't go completely to waste.

EN - (1994-1995) I had a huge crush on this girl when I was in high school in Red Deer. I don't really know how or when I met her....must have chatted in class or something. She was pretty cute, but I really don't remember anything else about her. I tried a couple times to call her up and ask her out or something, but I never got up the courage. I think I even called and chatted a couple times but chickened out on the phone. I'm sure that was amusing to her. Finally did ask her out in the last few months of grade 12, however she was seeing someone else at that time. She's where I started to develop my stalking techniques. I'd discovered that she lived kinda on the way to one of my friend's houses, and I'd alter my route so I could drive down her street. I don't really know why I bothered since I know I would have been way too shy to actually stop and talk to her if I saw her. Maybe I'd get lucky and run her over or something.

The Twins (1994-1995)- These were a pair of identical twin girls in the grade below me in high school. They were tall, at least 6 ft, and they were cute. And they lived halfway between my place and one of the hockey rinks I played at. I also drove past their place whenever possible. I think I think I even saw one of them in the window one time. Or maybe it was a big house cat. Heh heh, so pointless. I wasn't quite as smitten as my pal "DJ" though. He found out when and where they had a dance recital one weekend and dragged me along to see them perform. This was a bit too far, even for me. They were cute but I never really thought I had a chance, so I never took this one too seriously. If nothing else, I couldn't really tell them apart, so how could I choose which one to ask out. Heh heh.

"CS" (1995-1996) - She was a girl I just kinda knew from high school that ended up in a bunch of my classes at college. She was tall and thin, maybe not the cutest face ever, but cute enough, really smart, and pretty fun to talk to. I definitely had a crush on her, but I just kinda played it cool. Probably too cool. I do remember one time I asked her to hang out outside of school, and she even said yes. She and a friend (who I also vaguely knew from high school, was cute and flirted with me the entire time....but of course I didn't notice) went indoor golfing with me and two friends. I don't remember how this happened exactly...maybe her friend was back from the UofA for reading week and was looking for something to do. I'm not sure how I ended up asking her to hang out though. Not a clue actually. I do remember one of my buddies trying to replicate the Happy Gilmore golf swing and breaking my dad's club, so it must have been post Feb 1996. (thanks IMDB). That correlates with the spring break theory.

I also remember "CS" coming to my house to study or something once, and getting caught in the crossfire of a marshmallow fight between me and my sisters. I really don't remember how this happened. I do remember I had to drive her home. Not sure how she got to my place. I probably should have asked her out for real at some point, or her friend that was flirting with me at golf, but I was way too shy. Oh well. At least I didn't drive by her house for no reason.



This was the end of my futile crushes era thank goodness. After the summer of 1996 and my experiences with "C" and "E", I got a little more confident. Also, when I went to school at the U of S in the fall of 1996, I learned the the easiest way to more confidence is to drink excessively. This discovery carried me through the rest of my college career, despite probably contributing to high cholesterol, 50lbs of weight gain, and a mild ulcer.