Love

Stolen and barely modified from http://xkcd.com/112/

Opinions and advice

Opinions. They're like belly buttons. Everybody's got one, but most of the time you don't want it rubbed right in your face. But that's exactly what people do when they give you unsolicited advice. They take their big, nasty, lint-filled belly button and rub it all over your poor little face. Smell the belly button. SMELL IT!!!!

Sometimes, if the person is a close friend, or if they're a bit of an expert on a subject, you don't mind. Any of my close friends know me well enough to know when it's a good idea to mention something they think I could do differently, and when it's a better plan to just keep quiet, let me make my own mistakes and be there later to pick up the pieces. As for experts, even I know that if someone who really knows what they're talking about wants to help you out, you're probably best to listen.

The problem is, most people just think they're experts....especially at things like relationships. They tell all sorts of stuff. Things that are often the exact opposite of what you're doing, or what you would do. Otherwise what's the point of telling you. No sense in advising someone you already think is doing it right. The problem is, these people usually aren't your friends. They're probably coworkers, or friends of friends, or something else. The key though is they don't know you. They don't understand what makes you tick. Their advice is filtered through their own experiences, likes and dislikes, and their own successes and failures. Not yours.

They tell me to take it slow. Or to give her space. Or they tell me it's common law after 6 months and she could totally screw me over. They remind me that she doesn't have a job, and say she's "freeloading". They say it's too soon after "T". Too soon for her to have moved in. Too soon to have gone ring shopping 'just to look". Too soon to have bought the ring. Too soon to be talking about her as the partner I'm going to spend the rest of my life with.

It's not everyone of course. The vast majority of people have been very supportive. They're happy for me because I'm happy. They see the hope in my eyes, and the smile I just can't shake and they know that this time it's real. They know that when you know, you just know. That when the right person comes along there is no such thing as too soon, or too fast.

But it's the naysayers I'm talking about here. The people who have had bad experiences and heartbreaks and just want to project them onto my life. They have made bad choices them selves, or been hurt, or taken advantage of, and haven't been able to shake it off and move forward. Well you know what naysayers? I've been hurt too. And I've made bad choices. I've been taken advantage of. And for a long time, I wouldn't, no....couldn't shake that off. I've had "friends" stab me in the back. I've ignored all the warning signs and dove headfirst into shallow water only to have it turn out just as bad as you'd expect. But, I've learned from those experiences, and then I took what I learned and I've finally been able to move. I have baggage, just like everybody else, but I try my best not to project previous failures onto my present situation with "E". And I certainly don't need other people trying to project their own baggage, and fears and failures onto my relationship with "E". She and I are in love. We're fully committed to making this work, and seeing it through right til the end.....which will be a very long time from now.

So you naysayers.....stop your naysaying, and get your damned belly buttons out of my face.

Here's your stuff, bye.

So, a fairly big stumbling block on "E" and my way to bliss and happiness has been the fact that a fairly large portion of her stuff was still at her ex's house. I mentioned this way back in the post about our first big fight but nothing had really been done about it.

She kept planning on going, but never got around to actually doing it. She really didn't want to go alone, to avoid any major guilt trips, or sleep-over requests, or worse. But she didn't want to bring me along to avoid any confrontations, or freak-outs, or savage beatings (of me).

So she kept planning on inviting some friends and family along, but it just never happened. We were always doing something or other on the weekends, and she was just dreading the phone call she'd have to make to let him know she was coming. I don't even think she's talked to him since she and I started dating in early December, so how do you start that phone call. Back then he was still probably thinking she was coming back, and now she's living with me, and we're seriously discussing marriage and kids etc. She needed to let the guy know for sure that she'd moved on, the door was closed, etc, but she didn't want to completely blindside him either.


But then, last night, "E" got a post on her wall on facebook (classy btw) from her brother. "Dar left your stuff at my house, come get it". All of a sudden she goes from wondering how she can gently close the door on "Dar", to getting it slammed in her face. It's like getting fired just before you can quit, or getting dumped while you're figuring out how to let the other person down easy. Even if you're completely over things yourself, it takes you by surprise, blindsides you, and makes you wonder what the hell just happened.

"E" was up all night last night, unable to sleep. I'm sure part of it was the punch in the gut that this would have felt like, but I know she's ok. She's also worried about what stuff he brought. Wondering what's there, what's going to be missing (and possibly gone forever), what might be broken. It's a tough situation, I know I wouldn't want someone else sorting out my stuff and packing it up for me with little to no input on my part. Also, despite her reservations she did really want to go visit her old place one more time. See the house, the yard she landscaped, and visit their dog. Heck, even just one final, proper goodbye to the man she spent 5 years of her life with.

From my perspective though, this is probably the best way this could have worked out. She doesn't have to go up there and visit. I don't have to worry about her going up there to visit. She doesn't have to worry about letting him down easy, that she's never coming back to him. I take this as an indication that he finally knows. I don't have to worry about him trying to win her back. We simply have to drive up to Red Deer and get the stuff from her brother. Nice and casual, easy as pie.

I do feel really bad that because of this "E" might not get to see her wonderful dog again. I have two amazing dogs, and "E" loves them to death, but she had to leave her own dog behind when she left, and that's hard. I couldn't do it. If I didn't get to keep Daisy when I left "A", I probably couldn't have done it, and I know if I didn't let "A" borrow Daisy pretty much whenever she likes that she would be miserable.



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And in slightly related news, something that I have somehow forgotten to mention on here.

A few weeks back, "E" and I went ring shopping, "just to look". That was not actually my full intention at the time of inviting her, I wanted to find out what she likes so I could pick it up immediately. She picked out a lovely classic looking ring with one big diamond in the center of a circle of small diamonds. Very very pretty. She went off to look at some other stuff and I ordered the ring that day. I can pick it up anytime now. Maybe I'll post a pic when I do.

I know she's the one. She's my true love, and my forever. I just know that we can work out any disagreement, and that we will spend the rest of our lives together.

One thing I was waiting for was her finally moving her stuff here. It's not here yet, but it's a whole lot closer. Guess I'd better get my thinking cap on and figure out a spectacular way to give it to her.

So, why the new location?

Why did I just burn "Anonymous Rantings...." and move everything here?

Well, basically, I screwed up my own policy of anonymity, and it came back to bite me on the ass. Since things were going so well with "E", I thought it would be safe to not only tell her the blog addy, but also let her tell her buds.

So that worked out fine for about a week, and then the events leading to the "Ugly on the Outside" post happened. As outlined in the post, I was pretty upset at first, but then I got over it, and feel better about the whole thing. End of story.

Or was it.

Well, for starters, "E" was upset because I wrote about my concern that her and her pals inviting me out for wings was just to make fun of me, when she had explained prior to me blogging that it most definitely not. She actually invited me along because she was really upset, and wanted me there as a friend because she'd gotten a call from her doctor regarding a very abnormal PAP result. I know she's not lying about this, so my concerns had been alleviated prior to my writing the post, however I wrote it the way I did because I was outlining my thought process as it happened, and that was my first thought. Should I have explained the specific conclusion to that event....probably....but I didn't. Sorry "E".

Next concern was from "E" and "S's" friend "C". She's one of the friends that I jointly criticized for enjoying mocking people and making fun of them. She felt pretty hurt that I thought she was horrible and mean. Fair enough. But I don't think she's a bad person, I just really don't think that's the best hobby to have. I'm sure in a few years, looking back, they'd all feel pretty bad about it. I really can imagine myself going out on a plenty of fish blind date with a girl and have it end up being a posse of friends just there to make fun of me. But I never meant to make you feel bad, so I'll add a sorry "C".

And then the real reason for the change of locations. The original cause of the post. "S". Pretty much as soon as it went up, "E" was concerned that "S" would be incredibly mad at her. Since as laid out in my blog post, "E" had nothing to do with me finding "S's" blog, the only reason I could figure for this was that "E" had told her the truth about me reading the blog. I didn't actually find it through "E's" blog, but I made up that story, because it was possible, and to protect "E" in case "S" was upset. The truth is that "E" gave me the addy (without even screening it for content) apparently without asking "S" if it was ok. Whoops. So she scrambled the jets the other day and told "S" about me reading it and being upset. Of course "S" felt bad, she felt horrible. And then my post comes out and "E's" kinda caught in the middle like a kid with his hand in the cookie jar.

Also, both "C" and "E" thought my comment about "S's" marriage was uncalled for and overly mean. I can kinda see their point....but I really don't think I should be the one worrying about stepping on toes and upsetting people in this situation. "S's" marriage fell apart in a flurry of craziness and abuse from her husband. "E" is legitimately concerned that one day "S's" husband might still come along and kill her. But does that make me posting a snide comment about the whole affair off limits? I don't think it does. I know it's wrong to blame the victim in situations of abuse. But, if something happens once, you're a victim. If something happens twice, you're still a victim, but maybe you need to take a look at what you could do differently. If it happens over and over again, you're not a victim anymore, you're an accessory.

From her own blog post, she says she considers herself pretty but not very smart or interesting. My thoughts were simply that maybe if she had a little higher opinion of herself she might have found a different guy, or gotten away from that one sooner. I don't know the whole back story, I only met "S" in November, so I'm not an expert on her life....just sharing the same thoughts I would have about nearly anyone in a similar situation. So yeah, I've left that part of the post intact.

"E", "C", and "S" were all readers of the old blog....and apparently that wasn't a good idea. I may tell "E" about this one, because she's my love, my heart, and my best friend, and I want her to know what I'm thinking. But the other two don't need to see it. And since I can't erase their knowledge of where the old site is, I had to move. That's that.

As for the new name. Well, I figured I might as well look to the post that caused the move for inspiration. Basically, I'm so ugly, that I play Monopoly just to get the self-esteem boost that pulling the "You won second prize in a beauty contest, collect $10" gives. :D

I'm only ugly on the outside.

So one of the best parts of this little alternate reality we call the interweb is the ability to find out stuff about other people that maybe they don't show you as readily in the meatspace. Like this blog for instance. Do you really think I'd be sitting down with you over coffee and blabbing all of this stuff? Not freaken likely. But, I like to write, and I like to think that I entertain people, and so I've told a few select people about this blog. But I don't advertise it everywhere. Unlike my website and my other blog which I try to generate as much traffic to as possible. So why am I blabbing on and on about blog privacy when the title of this post is obviously leaning towards a self-pitying mess? Well, through reading "E's" blog, I noticed that some of her friends had commented on her posts, as friends often do. And these friends have blogger accounts too. And one of them is dreadfully boring and will not be discussed here at any length. But one of the commenters is her cousin "S" and her blog seemed to be a decent read.

It starts out with her going on at length about her failing/failed marriage, and moves on to talking about some guys she was interested in. Then it chronicles pretty much all the emails between her and one of the guys (CW) as she reels him in despite him having a live-in girlfriend back at home.

Of course, I really only enjoyed the read until I discovered what was written there about me. Just how I post stuff here about myself that perhaps I wouldn't advertise to others, "S" has written a bit about her opinion of me, which she certainly hasn't been too upfront about. (Understandable, considering what that opinion is).

Apparently "E" sent "S" a couple pictures of me, and of my g/f at the time, "T" (don't worry, I'll get to her on here eventually), and of a picture "T" had painted for me. I can't really say I'm too impressed with "E" about this, since the only reason to send these pics would be for the people looking at them to make fun of them. And make fun of them they did. Some highlights:

Referring to me:

S: "He is the fug one in exhibit A, and exhibit E."
CW: "He kinda looks like this guy" (sends picture of Gargamel)
S: "I told you he's horrible."
S: "ugh, he is so gross...I just don't get how she can even do it."
CW: "I look at it over and over again.. like a bad car accident. like really.. even his girlfriend.. what the hell is she thinking?"

So yeah. I could post the whole thing. Or the link. But I won't. The highlights are enough. I promise I'm not taking it out of context and that the rest of the post is not actually a total 180 that goes on to praise my looks. When I read this, I was pretty pissed off. Not really at "S" so much. I mean, whatever, she thinks I'm ugly. I've been called ugly before. I'm not a "conventionally good looking" guy. It's not like I play Monopoly just hoping to draw the "You Won 2nd Place In a Beauty Contest" card to boost my self worth. (Although it probably would). It certainly explains why I've felt so uncomfortable the couple times since then that "S" complimented me on my outfits. Probably because she:
A) still thinks I'm too ugly to live, but feels guilty so she tries to pretend
B) has gotten used to me enough that she's no longer recoiling in horror, but still feels the severe pangs of insincerity when she forces herself to say something nice.

But in the end, it's ok. I'm not trying to impress her. She seems to have already impressed herself enough for both of us anyway. From another post:

"I get it, I'm a pretty girl. And not in a "from a certain angle" way. In an obvious way. It's a long hair thing, and a nice rack thing. Nice Racks are a key to the obvious pretty. It's how men see me. I'm not a smart girl, or an interesting girl, I'm a pretty girl. The hair and the rack."

Lucky her. I'm glad she thinks she's so fucking pretty. It's really hard looking in the mirror everyday and hating what you see, would be much easier if I was that deluded. I don't know her well enough to say if she's a smart girl, or an interesting girl, but she seems to have shallow and mean down pretty solid. Maybe if she thought she had a little more to offer the world than her "long hair" and her "nice rack" she wouldn't be extracting herself from such a fuckmess of a marriage. But like I said, it's ok. I'm not trying to impress her, and her personal opinion doesn't really affect me. Every girl I've dated has said I'm cute, and "E" says I'm cute, handsome, beautiful etc, and that's what's important in all this.

The problem is, this blog, and the thought process it led me down, has me really wondering about that. For starters. What's up with "E" sending a bunch of pictures of me and "T" to someone just to make fun of? "Well, Ren, you can't assume they'd make fun of them", you could say in her defense. But I say that's bunk. That's what "E" and her friends do when they get together. They make fun of people. Sure, I like to look at the world and laugh at what I think is strange, different or unpleasant, but sometimes they take it a lot farther than I'm comfortable with.

For example, the painting that "T" made me that "E" emailed to "S". It's of a couple of gophers kissing while standing next to a vespa type scooter. Well, "E" herself made a replica of it, just as a mockery. And of course she passed it along to "S" just for a laugh at the expense of "T" and her original. But the blog reveals, "S's" toy "CW" made his own reproduction, which was passed back to "E" who thought it was "legendary". "E" even suggested that "S" and their other gal-pal "C" should make their own copies. Ah, so mature. I know that pic of "T's" isn't anything wonderful, and is definitely a little strange. But her heart was in the right place when she made it, and it's really petty and immature to make fun of something made with good intentions. I thought it was sweet, and a nice gesture so making a mockery of it simply makes me think less "E" and her friends. I knew about "E's" version of it, and I didn't like the sentiment behind it at all, but having it become a group arts-and-crafts project really upsets me.

Another example of their warm, compassionate sides for you? The bunch of them set up accounts on Plenty of Fish, simply for the purpose of having fake dates with losers so they could have a laugh. I got invited along to one of these, to join the chorus of laughing, but I think I had hockey. I'm glad I couldn't make it. Looking back though I wonder if I wasn't actually invited along to two of these. The first time I met "E's" friends "S" and "C" it was over wings at a pub. "E" swears it wasn't (she says they just wanted to meet me, and she was having a bad day and wanted a friend around), but I suspect this was just one of their set-ups. Bring some unsuspecting guy in, and have the jackals pick him apart. Not a really good feeling. I can't remember if this meeting happened before or after the blog post, but since this was the first time "S" met me in person, I'm sure it really helped improve her opinion.

But the part that really has me wondering about "E" and her character is the Gargamel reference in the blog post. Since they seem to share everything, I'm sure "S" passed on that conversation to "E". And I can't say I really expected her to stand up for me and make a fuss about them calling me ugly, and comparing me to Gargamel. We weren't dating at the time, so whatever. But I would expect that if someone really actually liked me, they wouldn't let something horrible like that develop into a regular nickname.

Well, about a month or so after the date of this blog post, "E" and I were in bed when she kinda sighed "oh Gargy". I was like WTF!?! right on the spot. She babbled out some story about how her roomie is a big Smurfs fan and she was thinking about the episode where Smurfette ends up with some rose-coloured glasses that make her fall in love with Gargamel. She said she wouldn't refer to me that way again, and I didn't really think anything of it. But after reading this blog post, a bunch of ideas have come into my head. It takes a while to actually make something develop as a nickname for someone. Especially if it's more cumbersome than the persons actual name. It takes repetition and frequent use, otherwise you just revert back to the proper name. Why the hell is she calling me Gargamel, a full month after someone refers to me as Gargamel to her cousin in an email? I know she and her friends tend to use nicknames for people almost exclusively, is this my nickname? And even if her story was true, how wonderful is it to think of me as a horrible sorcerer that only made her like me through some type of witchcraft.

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So I read the blog. And I thought. And I pondered. And I started writing a blog post of my own. And I read and I thought and I pondered and I blogged until about 5:30 in the morning. And when I couldn't stand to be in the same bed as "E" for another moment, I went downstairs and played XBOX and fumed. Eventually the dogs woke up and woke up "E" with them. She came down and asked why I wasn't in bed. I told her I couldn't sleep, and she knew something was wrong. She got upset, and finally I told her what was on my mind. I actually showed her a cleaned up version of my first blog post. The first version was possibly the nastiest thing I've ever written. The sanitized version she got was still pretty nasty. So be glad you're not reading those.

But she read it, and then she started to cry. And I wanted her to cry. I wanted her to feel bad. I wanted her to feel as bad as all the people who have ever been mean to me my whole life should feel but never will. And I wanted her to beg my forgiveness. And she did. But she knows I have never forgiven in my life. I hold grudges forever, like little balls of hate, that grow and grow until I can get my revenge. I wanted her to never tell "S" that I read her blog so I could save this information and possibly even gather more, and then use it to destroy "S". I wanted to call up "CW's" girlfriend (thanks for providing his full name "S" on the post titled "Observations" from Dec 9/08 - you might wanna fix that), send her the link to the blog, and see what kind of shit hit the fan then. I wanted to break up with "E" to teach everyone a lesson about how they should be nicer to me.

And through her tears, "E" said she was sorry and that she loved me. That she didn't know what was on the blog, because she hadn't read it all yet. That she wished I'd never seen it. I asked her if she played along, or if she stood up for me, and she confessed to not standing up for me. She swore that she never called me Gargamel though, and that it was never a routine nickname for me. And she promised that me meeting her and the girls for wings wasn't just a set-up for horribleness.

Did I believe "E"? Not for a second. So what did I do then? I made her promise she wouldn't tell "S" I read her blog. The posts on there stop right around when "E" and I started dating and I wanted to see what other kind of horrible revelations popped up. I know with all the cynical knowledge I have of the human race that there wasn't just the one really horrible email exchange. There would be at least one more caused by the beginning of our relationship. It would go on and on about how horrible I was, and how ugly I still was, and how "E" could do better. So in this way, telling her not to tell "S" was a test. If no more horrible posts show up, I would know that "E" had broken her promise and could not be trusted. Also I would have a pretty good idea that "E" knew what future posts would contain and was worried about their content. On the flip side, if the blog posts did show up, I would know "E" had kept her promise, but I would have a bunch more insight into "S" and "CW's" thoughts on things. And from that, I could probably confirm my nickname suspicion, and maybe even more. A masterful plan. Foolproof right?

Wrong. What that plan doesn't take into account is my love for "E". While she was crying, and apologizing, and I was thinking evil thoughts, a little ray of light shone into me. And for once in my life I grabbed onto that little ray of light instead of focusing on my balls of hate. I thought about all the wonderful times that "E" and I have had, and of all the amazing future times I want to have with her. I thought about marrying her, and about having children with her. And I thought about what a wonderful person she is. And about how sorry she was for what had happened. And how scared she was of losing me. And I knew I still wanted to spend the rest of my life with her.

So, I forgave her.

I still don't believe her version of things. My head's version of things seems a lot more realistic, but I've realized it doesn't matter. I love her, and something like this doesn't change that. She's sorry for whatever part she played in it, and I know nothing like this will happen again. I don't need to find out if she told "S" about my reading her blog. It's unfair to play a game testing the extent of a person's loyalty between two people. Especially with a possible guilty conscience thrown in. I don't care what you put on there "S", because "E" is the one I care about and I know she loves me. So blog what you like, or censor what you like, I won't be reading it anymore anyway. And I forgive you too. I'm sure reading this will make you feel bad. I'm sorry, please know that I don't want to make you feel any worse than that. But I want this to be over, and holding a grudge about any part of it, towards any of the participants would be poison to "E" and my happiness.

Forgiveness is not something that comes naturally to me, but I'd like to work on it. If you stick around you'll get to read about me and forgiveness. About hurt feelings, and broken confidences, and about heartbreaks that I still can't really understand. All of them, little balls of hate, bouncing around inside me, clamoring for their chance at revenge. But that's not how it's gonna be anymore and I think this is the first step towards getting rid of all of them.

Worst Boyfriend Ever

The worst boyfriend ever is at it again. Who's that you ask. ME! I answer.

What now? Well, read on and I'll tell you.

I've been burning up with guilt the last couple weeks because I screwed up. And because I was feeling guilty, my messed up head convinced myself that "E" was doing horrible things too. It's funny how that works. When you're hiding something yourself, it's very easy to start thinking the people around you are doing the same, and when you're as neurotic as me, it's extra easy.

So last night my fears and suspicions overwhelmed me, and I worked myself into a complete frenzy. "E" was already asleep, and I find writing usually helps me organize my thoughts, and get on top of things, so I wrote her an email.

She told me, "just to make me jealous" one time that if I'd waited much longer to become available and start dating her, it wouldn't have been a big deal because she had lots of other options. I didn't doubt that for a second, she's simply amazing, and any guy would love to have her. I asked her who, just because I'm snoopy like that, and she told me she had an actual date with one of the lawyers at her old work the night before we started dating. I was stunned. I was sure that she'd already known by then that she and I were going to be together, but then I find out she was going out with other people right up to the last minute....what did that mean?

I asked her for details, and since I probably appeared completely shaken up, she told me. She went for drinks after work, then supper. That was it. Just one date, and barely a date at that. She said she didn't even take it seriously but it was something to do. And why was I worried anyway? I was still dating "T" when it happened, so I couldn't really say anything. I told her I believed her, and that everything was fine....but I was still a bit upset. I teased her about it later that evening which upset her, and I promised not to bug her about it anymore.




It probably would have all been ok, but I had my own guilty secret, which hadn't even happened yet. Back in the first days of "E" and I dating, a work pal mentioned that she knew of a girl that would be perfect for me and that she wanted to set us up. I never really thought much of it at the time, but as time passed, my friend ended up setting up a blind date for the two of us at the Flames game on Jan 30th. I should have never let the ball get rolling. I should have canceled it when things with "E" and I got serious (pretty much immediately). I should have definitely not let it get to be the week it was supposed to happen, and have it still set to go.

But it was. And I told my friend at work that I have a serious girlfriend, and that I shouldn't go. She said it was too late to cancel. I mean what the hell, it wasn't too late, but I still went along with things. I don't know why. I guess with my limited success with the ladies over the years, saying "no" isn't a skill I've really perfected.

So the day of the "date" I was just frantic. I also had the worst cold ever. If you'll recall, the 30th is the day I met "E's" mom for the first time. I was such a mess right before she arrived that I almost passed out. I told "E" it was a mix of nerves, being sick, and not eating....but I know it was guilt. And by then it really was too late to cancel. There was going to be some poor young lady waiting at the game with an empty seat beside her, expecting a guy to show up. I just couldn't bail out then. I had to suck it up and go. So I survived the short visit with Mother "E", and then headed to the game.

She was there when I got there, and the national anthems were just starting. We sat through them, and made our introductions. I was so sick I can't even remember her name. We ended up sitting silently through the game, with only a couple attempts at small talk through the entire three periods. By the end of the game, my throat was so sore, and I was coughing so bad, I couldn't even talk anymore. After the three stars we just said goodbye and drifted into the crowd in our own directions.

I rushed home to "E" who was also under the weather, and we cuddled and everything was good. I told her about some of the characters I'd seen at the game, and some of the people on the train (also documented at my other blog), and we had a good laugh. But the guilt was killing me.




But I didn't want to tell "E" what a dumbass I'd been. I mean....it wasn't a big deal. Just a silly blind date, set up nearly 2 months prior, and I didn't expect it to go anywhere and didn't even make an effort once I was there. I decided I wasn't going to tell her.

But then the guilt really started tearing me up. I remembered back to that date she had, and I started thinking all sorts of things. One time when we were fighting, I asked her if the lawyer guy was a better kisser than me. She blurted out "no", and then caught herself and told me that she'd never kissed him. Hmm....which one is it I wondered. I pressed her a bit, and she said she never kissed the guy. She couldn't have come over and hung out with me that night if she had (and she did that night). And what was I worrying about anyway. "E" and I weren't dating, so I had no right to worry about or dictate her activities.

Well...her original blurt, and the round-about denial with the exemption clause (I didn't kiss him, but if I did....you can't be mad...we weren't dating) just gave my guilt-crazed psyche way too much to work with. If I was going on blind dates that were meaningless.....what kind of horrible things was she up to? I think it's human nature to try not to think of yourself as the worst human being on earth, so it's nice to have someone else to project your horribleness on. And that's what I did.

I started having dreams of her breaking up with me. Telling me that she'd had another boyfriend all along. That her one date was just the start of something bigger, and that she was going to leave me for him, that all her talk about getting married, and having kids with me was just some kind of horrible game, and he was really the man for her. All sorts of stuff. None of it true, but all of it vividly real. I knew it wasn't true....but if I had such an awful secret, maybe she wasn't being completely honest too.

Finally it all got to be too much. My suspicions overwhelmed my reason, and I wrote "E" an email. It asked, no accused, her of lying to me about her date, and everything to do with it. It rambled. It apologized for being a jealous jerk. And then, finally, it got to the real meat of the issue. I told her about my stupid "date". Because that was really it. She wasn't doing anything wrong, but I couldn't believe her when I was being so bad myself. So I spilled the beans. It was 1:30am, and she was asleep. But I needed to tell her, so I woke her up. She was groggy and confused, but she read it. And then she answered my silly questions about her date. But I told her that wasn't the real issue....I didn't really doubt her.

It was all me. So I told her what I did. And I tried to tell her why I did it.....but I really couldn't. I still don't know exactly why I went ahead with it. I've cheated on nearly every girlfriend I've ever had, and here I was doing it all over again. I didn't kiss the girl or anything....but she thought it was a "date", and I did it behind "E's" back. I promised myself I'd never do that again when I broke up with "A", but here I was being a jackass almost just like before.

I shouldn't have ever agreed to go.
I shouldn't have let things get set up at all.
I should have ended things a dozen times before the actual date.
Since I didn't, I should have told "E" beforehand.
Since I didn't tell "E" beforehand, I should have told her immediately afterwards.
Since I didn't tell "E" immediately after, I should have told her before I started making up horrible stories in my head about her having another boyfriend etc.

So "E's" still pretty mad at me, and she's right to be. I'm pretty mad at me. I wish I could go back and do it all properly. But I can't, so now we're going to work through it. But we will, and we'll be better than ever. I know I can trust her, now I just have to convince her she can trust me again.

Crushes and other frustrations

So, now that I've managed to thoroughly creep out my best friend with my last post....I figure it's time to go through some of the other girls that I liked, but never got anywhere with prior to her.


"KR" - (1990-1992) I met her in junior high in Estevan. We met because my locker was right beside (or 2 down...I forget) hers due to being in the same grade and both our last names starting with "R". I don't know if I really had a "crush" on her but she was one of the first females of my adolescent life that I actually talked to. We were both honour roll students so most of the conversations consisted of comparing marks and making fun of the other when we outscored them. I don't think she ever dated anyone when I knew her....maybe I should have taken the chance. I can't imagine how different my life could have been if I'd gotten the first girlfriend thing out of the way then, instead of after my first year of college.

"MN" - (1992-1994ish?)I met her out at my parent's cottage, her grandparents owned the cottage next door to ours. I can't remember exactly how she overlapped with "S" but I thought she was cute. I definitely had a crush on her and we hung out pretty much whenever we could. We'd walk around just talking about stuff for hours. I'm not sure that I made any sense since most of my brain-power was dedicated to berating myself for being so shy and trying to convince myself to hold her hand or something........anything. We hung out during the summers for a couple years and I never got my courage up. My sister ended up marrying one of her cousins (who also used the cottage) so at least that proximity didn't go completely to waste.

EN - (1994-1995) I had a huge crush on this girl when I was in high school in Red Deer. I don't really know how or when I met her....must have chatted in class or something. She was pretty cute, but I really don't remember anything else about her. I tried a couple times to call her up and ask her out or something, but I never got up the courage. I think I even called and chatted a couple times but chickened out on the phone. I'm sure that was amusing to her. Finally did ask her out in the last few months of grade 12, however she was seeing someone else at that time. She's where I started to develop my stalking techniques. I'd discovered that she lived kinda on the way to one of my friend's houses, and I'd alter my route so I could drive down her street. I don't really know why I bothered since I know I would have been way too shy to actually stop and talk to her if I saw her. Maybe I'd get lucky and run her over or something.

The Twins (1994-1995)- These were a pair of identical twin girls in the grade below me in high school. They were tall, at least 6 ft, and they were cute. And they lived halfway between my place and one of the hockey rinks I played at. I also drove past their place whenever possible. I think I think I even saw one of them in the window one time. Or maybe it was a big house cat. Heh heh, so pointless. I wasn't quite as smitten as my pal "DJ" though. He found out when and where they had a dance recital one weekend and dragged me along to see them perform. This was a bit too far, even for me. They were cute but I never really thought I had a chance, so I never took this one too seriously. If nothing else, I couldn't really tell them apart, so how could I choose which one to ask out. Heh heh.

"CS" (1995-1996) - She was a girl I just kinda knew from high school that ended up in a bunch of my classes at college. She was tall and thin, maybe not the cutest face ever, but cute enough, really smart, and pretty fun to talk to. I definitely had a crush on her, but I just kinda played it cool. Probably too cool. I do remember one time I asked her to hang out outside of school, and she even said yes. She and a friend (who I also vaguely knew from high school, was cute and flirted with me the entire time....but of course I didn't notice) went indoor golfing with me and two friends. I don't remember how this happened exactly...maybe her friend was back from the UofA for reading week and was looking for something to do. I'm not sure how I ended up asking her to hang out though. Not a clue actually. I do remember one of my buddies trying to replicate the Happy Gilmore golf swing and breaking my dad's club, so it must have been post Feb 1996. (thanks IMDB). That correlates with the spring break theory.

I also remember "CS" coming to my house to study or something once, and getting caught in the crossfire of a marshmallow fight between me and my sisters. I really don't remember how this happened. I do remember I had to drive her home. Not sure how she got to my place. I probably should have asked her out for real at some point, or her friend that was flirting with me at golf, but I was way too shy. Oh well. At least I didn't drive by her house for no reason.



This was the end of my futile crushes era thank goodness. After the summer of 1996 and my experiences with "C" and "E", I got a little more confident. Also, when I went to school at the U of S in the fall of 1996, I learned the the easiest way to more confidence is to drink excessively. This discovery carried me through the rest of my college career, despite probably contributing to high cholesterol, 50lbs of weight gain, and a mild ulcer.

Helped her out of a jam I guess....

I've gotten a little off track on my journey through my past relationships and non-relationships. My little crushes and my full-blown obsessions. My successes and my failures. It's all because of this one post I was dreading writing. But here goes.





Ah yes, "C". How I've been avoiding writing about you here. Not just because I know you read this, but because I'm just not sure what to say. Do I write about semi-stalking you to get to talk to you. Do I write about one night of kissing, never to be repeated? Do I write about trying to be your friend while having a huge crush on you for years. How about how I used to think that if you and I ever got the chance we'd have been amazing together?

Or should I forget all that and just write about the thirteen years of friendship we've shared. About how you've been with me through thick and thin, listening to my stories about my loves and not-loves. How you'd give me advice when asked, but never make me feel like you were judging me for my obviously bad decisions. Thankfully the crush finally faded years ago, but I know our friendship never will. I didn't worry at all about telling you the address of this blog, because you either already know all my stories, or will be the first to know the new ones. But I did worry about this particular post. How do I write about my greatest friend? I guess I'll just start at the beginning.


The story of "C" and I begins during my first year of college in Red Deer in 1995-1996. Back then I didn't have a car to get to school, so I had to ride the bus. Every morning I'd catch the bus just across the way from my house, ride it to the downtown bus rendezvous, then transfer to the bus that took me the remainder of the way to RDC. I was pretty much always the only person on the bus when I got on, and I'd always go sit right in the back corner. Pretty much everyday, just a few stops later, a cute girl would get on the bus, and sit a little ways away. Sometimes we'd share a shy smile if we made eye-contact, but we never spoke, I don't think even a hello. She was a student at RDC too, so she'd make the same transfer as me, and then at the college we'd go our separate ways. I think we were even in the same Biology class, but that still wasn't enough for me to round up the courage to start a conversation.

So the school year passed, with us riding the bus together pretty much every day but without us ever actually speaking, until "C" caught the eye of my friend "Chaps". "Chaps" was a guy I'd known in passing from highschool, but who I'd become fairly close friends with during the school year. We were in pretty much all the same classes, with pretty similar break times in between classes. We'd do pretty much all of our studying during these breaks, and chat and check out girls. Pretty good times. Also, "Chaps" was a lot more outgoing than me. He was one of those guys who can just walk up to anyone out of nowhere and chat them up. And not in that creepy "holy crap, get the hell away from me" kinda way.....just that friendly outgoing kinda vibe that I've never ever figured out. So yeah....one day in the spring "C" walked past "Chaps" and I when we were studying and he asked me if I knew her.

I told him, no, she rode my bus every day, but I'd never spoken to her. He seemed surprised that I'd never spoken to her, seeing as how she was a pretty cute girl and I'd had a million perfect opportunities to chat her up. He decided this needed to be remedied immediately and we followed her to the library.

In the library we found her in one of the little study pods, sitting by herself. She told me later that she'd been crying after a phone call with her boyfriend, but neither "Chaps" or I noticed. He just plowed ahead with the hello's and the official introductions. I don't really remember anything else about the conversation, but I'm sure that I didn't say another word until "good-bye".

That conversation was not the most spectacular first impression, but it was a foot in the door. Sometime a few days later I was riding around my neighbourhood with some other friends and saw "C" walking a dog down the street. I had my buddy pull the car around and got up the courage to say hi, and chat her up a bit. Somewhere along the line I got her phone number and found out that she was living in the nearby trailer park.

Of course the first time I called her, she wasn't home. "She's out walking the dog" her roommate said. Fueled by some kind of bravery that I'd never known before, and joined by my friend Dave, I headed out to the Express 24, to grab a drink. Of course, the real mission was to try to cut off her dog walking route somewhere in between her place, my place, where we'd seen her walking before, and the convenience store. We took the most direct route possible to the store, so that we could buy Brisk Iced Teas, thereby confirming our cover story, and then headed along the road that we thought she might be walking down.

As luck would have it, we ran into her and the chatting started again. She never suspected a thing. Although by the 3rd or 4th time the same scenario played out I think she had caught on.

The rest of the school year is a blur to me. I know we hung out lots, and "C" even came over and met my parents. They were always good hosts, offering her beverages, and even supper one time. I think we had pancakes. I had just gotten into funk a fair bit and we spent a fair bit of time listening to music. I introduced her to my brother, and a few of our mutual friends, and we'd all hang out together.

It was fun, and it was comfortable. She had a boyfriend, who was in jail for a convenience store robbery/assault at the time.....so we kept things on the friends level only. That was fine with me because I was still figuring out how to talk to women as human beings. I'd never had a girlfriend, and at this point I had only kissed two girls (Kris, and "S"). I was so shy that if a girl I liked even talked to me it would make me blush for an hour. But even though I really liked "C", the fact that there was that boundary there, and that she really seemed to want to be my friend, made it easy to get over my shyness around her. Getting to know her just made me like her more and more, but I never made a move in case it would hurt our friendship.

The school year finally wound down, and she decided to have a bit of a get-together to celebrate since her roommate was out of town. My bro was there, along with 3 or 4 other friends, and I think even "K" (who was dating a friend of mine at the time) made an appearance. My bro and I told my parent's we were sleeping over at one of our friend's houses, so we were set to enjoy the night without a curfew. It was nothing too crazy, just some beer drinking and music listening, some card games and maybe some board games. The wildest thing was recklessly throwing sour patch kids across the room for Dave to catch in his mouth.

At some point in the night, my friend Sean took my 16 yr old brother to the strip bar, using my glasses and drivers license to get in. It worked, but he was so scared of getting busted that he refused to take off my glasses during the show and couldn't see anything. Sometime during all this, "C" pulled me aside and said, "I've got something to tell you, please don't hate me". Of course I was thinking it was some horrible, dark secret....or that she had figured out I had a crush on her and didn't want to be my friend anymore......but instead her big revelation was "I'm only 16". That was pretty hilarious at the time. And it was especially funny since my parents had been feeding her alcohol when she'd come over. Apparently she'd been skipped two grades in school.

So the "party" went on and on, and eventually people started to get wound down. I ended up curling up on the couch, and "C" went to sort out sleeping arrangements for the other pass-out guests. A few minutes later, totally unexpected by me, she came back into the living room, and asked if she could join me. Then, she climbed on top of me on the couch and we started kissing. We kissed and touched and cuddled for pretty much the entire night. She fell asleep in my arms and it was the most wonderful feeling I had ever had up until that moment. Somehow....I had got the girl, without even really trying, and definitely without knowing how it had happened. It was a dream come true.

Of course, like almost all dreams, it ended in the morning. My bro and I made our way back home and had naps. "C" was heading back to her parent's home in Big Valley, and stopped in on the way out of town. We hung out for a bit, and exchanged addresses so we could keep in touch, , and discussed what had happened. She told me she loved her jail-bird boyfriend, and that as much as she liked me, she couldn't leave him like that so she and I would have to be just friends.

I was stunned, nothing like this had ever happened to me. It was easy to just be friends, when you didn't know what you were missing.....but she liked me....she kissed me. She was like no other girl I'd known. She was beautiful, but I could talk to her and not just mumble and blush. We enjoyed the same stuff. We had so much fun together. She was supposed to be mine. And she wanted to keep dating some piece of crap convenience store robbing hoodlum? I managed to suck up my disappointment well enough to say goodbye and wish her a safe journey.....and then went downstairs to cry.

Shortly after, she did break up with her boyfriend; I like to think that I helped motivate her to do that. We hung out a couple more times that summer, and eventually the pain deadened even though I still had feelings for her. As the summer passed, I started dating "E", and then moved to Saskatoon for school. She stayed at Red Deer College for one more year before moving to Edmonton. We kept in touch through letters, email, 2am phone calls, and occasional visits. What started as a whirlwind end to a school year has endured as my greatest friendship. I've been there for her through a bunch of boyfriends and even one husband, and she's been there for me through everything you're going to get to read here. Thank you "C".

Bob Dylan - Tangled Up In Blue

Meeting "E"'s mom today!!!

Sometimes XKCD knows me better than I know me. I will admit that I survived meeting "E"'s dad a month ago, so mom should be a piece of cake right? Should be good, unless she totally thought that "E"'s ex was "the one". Oh shit.....she did. She even invited him to thanksgiving and not her. Can't wait.

So, what's different?

This is a question that's come up a few times when I tell people about "E" and how well things are going. Basically, people want to know how I know she's the one, and what makes her different than other girls.

Well...for starters, it just feels different. Whether it's my heart (aw...so sweet) or my guts (ew :p ) doing the talking, something just tells me that this is different. But maybe that's not good enough. I mean, everyone feels good about a new relationship, otherwise you wouldn't have let things progress past the 3rd date. If it doesn't feel good at the beginning, it's probably not going to become amazing. But why do I think this is going to work and not be a relationship that starts out good and then fizzles out? Well, I'll try to logically examine things.

1) We were friends first and are becoming best friends. Most successful long-term relationships are based on the people involved being best friends. It's maybe too soon to call "E" my best friend, but she's climbing right up there. I've told her things I've never told anybody, and she's told me things that I suspect she hasn't told a lot of people. Ignoring the fact that we dated 12 years ago, since it's mostly irrelevant (although makes for a pretty cool story), we started chatting on facebook about a year ago, and started hanging out regularly in Aug/Sept last year. Our friendship was well established before we started dating.

2) I was not single for a long period of time. Not the best thing to advertise, but I don't really do well with being single. I know people always say you should be comfortable with yourself, yadda yadda yadda, but I don't care. When I'm single, I get lonely. My self esteem goes way down, and my shyness goes way way up. I have zero self-confidence. I get completely paralyzed around any girl I might actually be interested in. If by some chance I do get an "in" with a girl, I get clingy and border-line stalkerish. These are not good things. Also, as anyone who knows me will tell you, that's not what I'm like. I tend to make really poor choices when I'm single, but am unable to see how poor they are because I've become convinced that I can't do any better....that I don't DESERVE any better. I become willing to put up with all sorts of things that I wouldn't otherwise tolerate, and still think it's the best thing that's ever happened to me. After a while, my confidence and self-esteem always returns and I start noticing how crappy things have been, and that's when I realize I'd been putting lipstick on a pig.

With "E", we pretty much started dating right out of the ashes of my relationship with "T". We'd been friends already for a few months, and I'll admit I had already started to develop "romantic" feelings for her before "T" and I broke up. I could tell "E" had feelings for me too, so it was with a great deal of confidence that I ended things with "T". Was this fair to "T"? Probably not, however, when we finally ended it, she stated that she had been considering breaking up with me for weeks prior. Why she didn't, I don't know, but I think we were both to blame in our relationship dragging out much longer than it should have.

3) No major violations of "How to care for your Ren" Nobody is perfect but some people are certainly better than others. I wouldn't expect anyone to know everything about me right off the bat, it's a long-term process. The big difference between "E" and a lot of girls is that "E" actually listens to me when I mention I don't like something, and tries to change things to suit me. "E" does know about this blog, and was a bit upset when she thought that a few of the recommendations were pointed at her. But the thing is, she did the stuff she was worried about once or twice tops, we talked about it, and she said she'd try harder. That's all it takes, making an effort.

4) Two-way communication. How big is this? Hmm. When we're upset, we both tend to get pouty and stubborn. But then we come back to the table and we talk about it. We haven't had a disagreement yet that we haven't been able to find some middle ground on, and that's awesome. This can be the deal-breaker for a lot of couples. You may get along fine day to day, but it's how you deal with things when you're not getting along that will determine if you're set for the long haul.

5) We're more similar than you would think. I got straight A's in high school, went right to university, and have been working as a pharmacist for the last 8 years. She did well in some things in school, but definitely didn't "get" math or science. She didn't go to university, partied it up for a couple years, and actually spent most of the last 5 years as a "housewife" (she wasn't married though). Doesn't sound like we're too much alike. But we are.

We're both big "geeks". We both enjoy playing video games, a bunch of our early hanging out involved playing "LEGO: Batman". We've also got a game called Dokapon Kingdom that we've put countless hours into. We both love old "pulp" fiction. She told me she loved the book "The Postman Always Rings Twice" by James M Cain and a few others, and my favourite author EVER is Raymond Chandler. (Incidentally Raymond Chandler wrote the screenplay for the movie version of James M Cain's "Double Indemnity). From our love of the books, we've developed a pretty fun hobby of watching old film noirs whenever possible. Wanna know how geeky we are? We bought a mini chess set so we can play chess in bed together. WTF?!!??

Also, I wasn't exactly a model student in university. I was luckily able to coast through on just my smarts and cramming last minute, while partying my ass off the rest of the time. So while it doesn't appear on paper that I had a wild-and-crazy party phase, I definitely did. And she's going back to school in the fall, I bet she does a whole lot better grade-wise than I did.

6) She's freaken gorgeous (and she thinks I'm ok too). Ok, so I'm shallow, but you know this matters. "E" is very atractive. And she's got the kind of classy good looks that I think she's still going to be beautiful when she gets older. She's got beautiful green eyes, a great smile, a great figure, she's just incredible. And she looks good all the time too. Tonight she's sick as a dog with this horrible cold we both got, and she still looks amazing. First thing in the morning. Hot. All dressed up to go out, super hot. Every time I look at her I just say WOW!!! And she says the same kinda stuff about me. She loves my silly curly hair, and likes my beard. She always says I have the cutest smile, and she likes my voice. Mutual attraction....check.

7) Physical compatibility. I think this is just a polite way of saying that the sex is great. And man is it ever. Firstly, we can barely keep our hands off each other. Secondly, when we get it on, it's simply amazing. We're just so in tune with each other. Sweet and gentle, or a little more energetic, we seem to want both in similar proportions. And unless she's really not telling me something, I think we're into about the same level of kinkiness. It's like nothing I've ever experienced before.

8) The pupsters. "E" loves my dogs. And they love her. She's really like a "mommy" to them, and does a great job of looking after them while I'm at work, and even when I'm at home. She gets up to let them out and doesn't just leave it to me. No big deal you say? Well, to me this is a sign that she takes our relationship seriously, and is in it for the long haul. Might as well start acting like this is a partnership now, and treating the dogs like part of the family is a pretty quick and easy way to become a part of the family yourself.

9) I'm not tired of her. "What the hell Ren!" you say, "you're not even trying with this one, how do you get tired of someone after only dating for 2 months?". We haven't taken it slow and easy like most relationships. If you're just "dating for 2 months" you might see the person once or twice a week, with a couple sleep-overs thrown in for fun. We on the other hand have been nearly inseparable since the start, and have been living together for about a month already. This is nearly unheard of for me. I get tired of many of my friends after 6-8 hours. Part of why it works is because we do give each other space around the house. She'll be doing her thing in one room and I'll be doing my own thing in the other. We don't need to constantly entertain the other, we have our own stuff going on, but then we always get back together and have "us" fun too. But a bigger part of it is just that we get along so well. We're perfect for each other.

10)We want the same things. Neither of us is getting any younger, and while this is no reason to commit to something less than perfect, it's a good motivator when the right person comes along. I've never really been big on kids, and neither has "E", but when we started talking about it, we both came around to the conclusion that we'd like to have kids together. I don't know where that feeling came from. The thought of having kids has crossed my mind before, but more as just one of those things you're supposed to do eventually, than as something I was seriously into.


So there we go....I'm going to leave it at 10 things. I could keep going here, but this post is stretching out long enough, and I'm since I'll be keeping you up to date as things progress you'll see for yourselves how it's going. I know she's the one. We even went ring shopping "just to look" a couple weeks ago.

Sleep talking

While I am near-famous for many of my quirks and idiosyncrasies, an oft-mentioned favourite is my propensity for sleep talking. Now, I'm not talking about just mumbling incoherently, or saying a few words in a dream, I actually have full blown lucid-seeming conversations while I'm asleep. Of course my logic centers are asleep so I don't always make sense, and I will draw conclusions and comparisons that befuddle and confuse anyone who is trying to converse with me, but I will put together proper sentences, and respond when spoken to.

One problem in the past has been that since I am asleep, I obviously don't remember the conversations, and my chat-partners often don't remember well enough to document it. However, "E" has volunteered to try to write down what we talk about as soon as possible, and email it to me so I can share with you. Hopefully this will become an amusing recurring feature on here.

Last night's conversation.

Me: (waking out of sleep) Whhaaaa...?

"E": (looks over and smiles) Go back to sleep, baby.

Me: Do you have your sleeping things?

"E": Ha ha ha.

Me: What?

"E": Did you just ask if I had my sleeping things?

Me: Yes. There's a thing, a pencil sharpener, it's in the middle of the bed. I didn't want you to cut yourself on it. It's sharp.

"E": Don't worry. I'll watch out for it. Love you.

Me: Zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

Writer's block

Writer's block? I'm not really much of a writer so I don't know if I get to use the term or not. I just don't really know what to write about next.

Things I have on my idea list right now.

"E" - Except there's not a whole lot to write. She's moved in, I don't even remember when it was official. It's been wonderful so far. She helps out so much around the house, and is great with the dogs. I really think she is the girl I'm going to marry. I haven't felt this way about anyone since....well, I haven't told you about that person yet....but there's been a lot of chaff in between then and now. She still hasn't found a replacement job for that one that fell through, but she's thinking of going back to school. What kind of job she can go for now will depend on her school plans, so it's best to take it one step at a time. So, while there's definitely stuff going on with "E", there's really not a whole lot of really bloggable stuff.

Past relationships and non-relationships - I'm still going to work on these. Just can't decide how to post them and what order. Keep plowing through chronologically? Randomly bounce around? Just focus on juicy stories about people that I know are reading this. ;) There's a few crushes and 1-time kisses that I think I'll probably group together. Or I might attach them to another relationship if they were an incident of infidelity.

More about me - I kinda thought I'd leave most of the "getting to know the author" type stuff to you readers. Let you get an idea of who I am and what makes me tick just by the stories I tell, and how I acted in different situations. A little more objective than me writing an essay about who I think I am. But at the same time there are some topics that I'm not sure will get fleshed out very well. I've got a post partly worked out about my musical tastes, and what I listened to along the way to get where I am today. Maybe some other stuff too. I guess we'll see. Maybe I'll just watch for things that need more elaboration and write about them as needed.

Hmm, so maybe I don't have writer's block, looks like I just have to start typing and something will come out. Easy. Just like the master:
“When in doubt, have a man come through a door with a gun in his hand.” — Raymond Chandler

How to care for your Ren™

Since I'm planning on taking this blog on a fairly lengthy trip through my past relationships etc, I thought it would be good to explore why they became "past" relationships. For some reason I've never really been "dumped"....mostly things have just drifted apart, or things that started out as small annoyances became too much to tolerate. Or other things that don't really apply, so they will be covered in their respective future blog posts.



Congratulations on your acquisition of a genuine Ren™. With proper care and attention your Ren™ can be an unending source of entertainment, a sport or activity partner, a confidant, a terrific sex partner, and even a lifelong companion. Your Ren™ will love you, cherish you, respect you, and make your life better than you ever thought it could be. Like any living thing, your Ren™ has needs that must be fulfilled in order for you and he to maximize your relationship.

While research into the needs of the Ren™ is a never-ending process, here are a few tips we've received from previous clients.



Try to keep your Ren™ well-fed with healthy, nutritious food and keep him well hydrated. While your Ren™ can feed himself, without guidance he tends to make poor choices and will attempt to nourish himself solely on doritos, beer, and energy drinks with the occasional foray for indian food. Your Ren™ loves to be cooked for and pampered, however, sometimes all he needs is someone to cook with, or even just a push in the right direction at the grocery store.

Provide your Ren™ with lots of love and attention. There's nothing that a Ren™ likes more than to be told that you're thinking of him. Or that you love him even. Sometimes just a little squeeze or touch or smile is all it takes to make his entire day a little better and bring him closer to you.

But don't smother him. As much as your Ren™ likes to spend time with you he does sometimes need a little "me" time. Sometimes just a single evening apart visiting your own separate friends, or a couple hours of doing your own thing around the house is all it takes. What's probably just a few hours away is a huge reminder to him that you're his most favourite person in the world and how much better life is when you're around.

Ask him how he's feeling. Once he trusts you, Ren™ is a pretty open guy. Ren™ won't always just offer up everything though. He's used to keeping it all inside, and if you never ask he might just figure you're not interested. Ren™ is pretty introspective, and you might be surprised what's going on in that head of his.

Tell him what you're thinking. Ren™ doesn't just have a lot going on in his head, he knows you do too. Quite often he'll ask you what you're thinking and when he does it's because he genuinely wants to know. If you always say "nothing", your Ren™ will probably assume one of two things depending on how he's feeling himself. One: It really is nothing and you're just going with the flow because the flow is good. Two: It's something...and it's something bad, because he's feeling kind of down.

If he doesn't want to tell you now, he probably will later. Sometimes your Ren™ won't want to tell you how he's feeling right that moment even though you asked. He may seem really upset, or he might just seem distracted. Ren™ is a complex being and sometimes even he has trouble figuring himself out. He does want to let you know what's on his mind, but he doesn't want to say a bunch of stuff that was only partially figured out and that might be changing once he thinks about it a bit. Ren™ doesn't want to upset you by talking too soon, so give him a few minutes, and a few hugs and he'll tell you when he's ready.

Ren™ is very loyal when it comes to his friends. Sure they're goofy, or strange, or whatever, and you can't figure out why your Ren™ would be friends with them, but he is. And a lot of them are female. The key though is that Ren™ considers them his friends. He doesn't hang out with all of them very often, but he does value what they add to his life. And, by the way, the female ones are not trying to get into his pants, and Ren™ is not trying to get into theirs. A little bit of teasing, or making fun of is fine, but if you put him in a spot where he has to choose, Ren™ will usually go with the friend.

This also includes ex's. There are very not very many people in his life that Ren™ has chosen to be intimate with. You'll be able to read about most of them at one time or another on this blog. He has the distinction of really never being "dumped", therefore you can rest assured that these relationships ended or changed because of how Ren™ felt. If he has remained friends with an ex it is because he legitimately thought they added something to his life that was worth keeping. Even if they are not currently friends, Ren™ will rarely speak poorly of people that he once cared deeply for. Your Ren™ would prefer you do not speak poorly of them as well, because at one point they were a major part of his life, and the time he spent with them helped make him the Ren™ he is today. As well, he will not speak poorly of your ex's for the same reasons.

However his sister's are always fair game. He doesn't really like them that much. They're kind of annoying.

Your Ren™ likes to tease, and be teased. Ren™ has always enjoyed teasing type humor and sarcasm. He sometimes likes to say outrageous things to shock and surprise people. There's not much he enjoys more than a funny, witty back and forth with someone. He likes to push buttons, and the envelope equally, however if he knows something legitimately upsets you or is out of bounds he'll try not to go there. Likewise there are certain things he doesn't like to be teased about. He's quite sensitive about his appearance and how other people think of him. As someone who has cheated on people in the past and who still regrets it, he doesn't like to be teased about him being unfaithful. Also, as someone who has been cheated on, Ren™ doesn't like to be teased in a way that is meant to make him jealous.

Don't cheat on him. Your Ren™ will be faithful to you as long as you are together. He expects the same from you. Cheating means a lot of different things to different people, but Ren™ has found a few rules that usually work. If it would upset you if your Ren™ did that with another girl, then it's probably cheating. Also, if what you're doing is too intimate to do with your brother or other close relative, there's a good chance that it's cheating...or your family is way too creepy. If you would have any hesitation towards letting your Ren™ know you are doing it, it's probably cheating. That's not so hard is it?

Don't treat your Ren™ like a free ride. While your Ren™ will enjoy buying you presents and treating you to things like meals and movies, he doesn't like feeling like it's expected of him. The modern relationship is a two-way street, and if you expect men to forget all the oppressive parts of the old paternalistic gender roles, you're going to have to lighten up on your demands to keep all the chivalrous ones. Buy your Ren™ supper every so often. Take him to a movie. Grab a case of beer for him. In the end you'll probably find your Ren™ still picks up more than half, but his perception will be much better.

Don't act like a houseguest. When your Ren™ has guests visiting from out of town, he expects to have to clean the entire house for them, feed them, entertain them, etc. He does not expect them to shovel the walk, take care of the dogs, clean, do laundry, buy groceries, etc. The first couple times you stay for a night at your Ren's™ house he will treat you like a houseguest. Once you start spending more time at his house than at your own, you are no longer a guest and it's best to stop acting like one. He won't ask you to do it, so if you may think it's ok to continue the guest role, however this will make your Ren™ very unhappy. While entertaining guests he thinks it is rude to ignore them to clean or do laundry etc, so he will need to send you away to do these things. Of course if this has been going on for an extended period your Ren™ may be very unhappy as well as feeling very smothered. This will probably result in him using his cleaning time for "me" time. Therefore the chores will not be done when you return and he will soon need to make you go away again in order to try to do them. This has the potential to cycle and cycle so that he no longer enjoys spending time with you.

Be punctual. Ren™ likes to be on time for things. He also expects other people to be on time for things. Because he likes to be on time, he doesn't like waiting around with nothing to do when other people aren't. If you can't be on time, call BEFORE you are late to let your Ren™ know. Then maybe he can find something to do other than pace back and forth counting the seconds and getting grumpy.

Take charge. Your Ren™ is a pretty easygoing guy. Quite often he'll be happy to go along with whatever you like. When he has an opinion he'll let you know, but if he really doesn't he'd love to know what you want to do, or even just a couple suggestions.

Ease him into new situations. Your new Ren™ is quite shy and startles easily in new environments. When introducing your Ren™ to a bunch of friends, or your family it will go a lot smoother if you help him out as much as you can. As you know, he can be very confident and outgoing once he is comfortable, so try to keep him comfortable and he will do his best to impress you and make you proud to show him off.

Go ahead and complain, then change it up. Your Ren™ is there for you when things are upsetting you. If you need to get something off your chest, he will be more than happy to lend you an ear or give you a shoulder to cry on. However, he finds it frustrating to hear you complain about the same thing over and over and over. If it's so important that you can't get it out of your head then you need to do something about it. If it's not important enough to do something about, it's probably best to just let it slide. Complaining endlessly about it doesn't help with either one.

Criticize what your Ren™ does, not him. Your Ren™ will probably do some stupid things during your time with him. He is also a very sensitive beast. If he does something stupid that you would prefer he not do again it's best to tell him. However, it is important to make sure that your Ren™ knows that while you dislike the action, and how it made you feel, you still love him and how he makes you feel.

Don't embarrass your Ren™ in public. Seeing as your Ren™ is very shy, he generally does not like to be noticed when in public. Ren™ does not like to have deep conversations, or talk on the phone in front of people. He doesn't really like the horrible birthday fiascoes that chain restaurants do. Complaints in stores and restaurants should be made respectfully and discreetly. Also, your Ren™ will not fight or argue with you in public. Any attempts to do so will work out one of two ways. A: Ren™ completely folds his position, allowing you a perceived victory, only to resume the argument asap once in private. B: Ren™ will say something rude, mean or outrageous simply to provoke you and make you angrier, then proceed to leave the situation immediately allowing you the choice to have a complete meltdown, or come after him. Both options suck, so it's best to avoid this kind of situation.

Have fun. Your Ren™ can provide you with many years of enjoyment, companionship and other things you can only dream of. The most important thing with a Ren™ is to have fun. If you're having fun, then he's probably having fun.


Thanks for reading this and I hope this guide helps you find years of enjoyment with your Ren™. As mentioned, study of the Ren™ is ongoing and this list may be added to at a future time as more data is collected.

Love and learning at the cottage.

"My hands are cold" she said to me, that starry night, as we sat on the hill beside the lake.

"Hmm, maybe you should sit on them or put them in your pockets even" was my very practical and helpful reply.

Hmm....maybe if I wasn't such a meathead and didn't miss this obvious invite to hold her hand, I might have gotten somewhere with this young lady. Actually, I did finally get somewhere with her, but it was due to a game of truth or dare that she and her friend set up rather than any actual smart moves on my part.

The girl in question we'll call "S". That's because "S" is the first letter of her name, and not because she has weirdo hippies for parents that actually just called her "S". I met her a few years prior to the summer we kissed, actually while playing basketball with my brother and cousin. This seemed to be the best way to meet chicks that I ever hit on. So after our intial meeting, my brother and I started to hang out with "S" and her various friends pretty much any chance we got out at my parent's cottage. We'd play cards, go for walks, play a bit of basketball, mostly just have good clean fun. About the worst kind of trouble we ever got into was staying out past curfew. Wow....pretty hardcore.

I always thought "S" was pretty cute, but due to my shyness, and eventually just due to not wanting to make our friendship awkward, I never moved on it. I guess the summer of '95 she finally got tired of waiting for me and decided to make the move. It started out with her and I hanging out just the two of us a lot more often. Previously, my brother would always be along as well, but this summer it seemed it was often just the two of us.

So yeah, not much happened for the longest time except I started to notice again how cute she was and I started to wish for the courage to make a move. After the fumbled chance by the lake I figured I had blown it. Luckily she persisted, and by the next weekend seemed to have a new plan. It was the last weekend of the summer I believe, and my bro had brought out his friend Paul, and "S" had brought out her friend Emma. We hung out as usual, and then ended up at another friend's place, in his tent, when someone suggested we play truth or dare.

It went through a few rounds with some embarrasing truths and the occasional silly dare, the silliest requiring Paul to kiss Emma where there was a hole in her jeans on her inner thigh. Then, the fix was in, and "S" was dared to kiss me. So we kissed. Started out hesitant but then proceeded into a pretty good one. Fairly soon after this the game dissolved and I ended up walking "S" home.

We went the long way. Holding hands the entire time, and stopping frequently for kiss breaks. I think we'd both wanted this to happen for so long, and then it finally did, we just couldn't get enough. We hung out the next day, for as long as we could until it was time for my parents to head back to Red Deer, and hers to Calgary. We wrote each other a few letters that winter, and I even visited her once and took her to a movie, but the distance was too much. Even though she only lived 150km away, I had no car and was busy with my first year at Red Deer college.

We saw each other a couple times the next summer but never recaptured the magic of those stolen moments alone together. Funny how you can take so long working your way up to something, only to have it flash past you like a bolt of lightning. That was my big lesson from "S", if you want something, you have to make your move on it. If you wait for the perfect moment, it might never come, or it might come too late, and all you'll be left with is the regret and the thoughts of what might have been.

Early days up to first kiss

I don't remember when I started noticing girls. I guess it was sometime in my early teens, kinda like pretty much every guy. I just didn't seem to have time for them. I played hockey which took up 3 or so nights per week. I also had a couple friends that I'd hang out with any chance I got, playing street hockey, or skateboarding, or computer games. So yeah, I knew girls existed, I just wasn't sure how one would fit into my life.

I do know that I went to pretty much every school dance in junior high and high school when I lived in Estevan. Didn't actually dance though....just hid in the corner. Not only was I too shy to actually ask anyone to dance, but the few times that I got asked I begged out of it. I just couldn't do it. Everyone who knows me knows that I'm incredibly shy, but it's nothing compared to how I was back then. So basically, I'd go to the dances, sit around by myself, or chatting with a friend off and on between their dances, and just feel miserable. Repeat that monthly for the better part of 4 years.

Two side-effects from this is that I still don't really like to dance. And I pretty much hate all popular music from 1990-1993. Paula Abdul, Gloria Estefan, Madonna, Mariah Carey, Vanilla Ice, MC Hammer, Roxette, Bryan Adams, Michael Jackson, Janet Jackson, Amy Grant, C&C Music Factory, Whitney Houston, Mr. Big, Boyz II Men, Ace of Base, any pop-country (Garth Brooks etc) or Hair metal (Poison, Motley Crue etc). I guess I should follow this mess up with a post about the music I actually do like. To summarize though, most of what I don't like can be traced back to my years in Estevan. Commercial pop? Ick. If it's "the greatest song ever" this week, how come you can't even remember it in a year?. Pop country? If the only thing separating your "country" record from the "pop/rock" records is a steel guitar, a 5-gallon hat on your 2-gallon head, and some quasi-patriotic xenophobia....you're selling an image, and I'm not buying it. Hair metal? I'm not even going to address this, however I knew who listened to this kind of music in Estevan (pretty much every male) and I knew I didn't want to be like them, therefore.....well, you figure it out.

So, you're probably wondering now how I went from torturing myself at school dances and not actually being able to talk to any females to my first kiss. Or you're not. Or there's actually nobody reading this. Oh well, onwards.

My family on my dad's side is from the town/area of Gull Lake, Saskatchewan. A little ways outside of Swift Current, it's not much of a town, couple grocery stores, a pharmacy, beat up movie theatre, chinese food restaurant. Guess it's a typical Saskatchewan small town. Well, we used to head out there for a portion of every summer to hang out with my relatives, you know...the family thing. Well this one summer, and I'm not sure which one off hand, probably 1992 if I had to guess, my brother and I were playing basketball with my cousin who had come down from Saskatoon. Nothing too exciting, just taking turns playing 1-on-1, HORSE, or whatever. Well at some point a couple girls walked by, and my cousin being a very outgoing guy, called them over. The two of them came over, and started chatting, and eventually the five of us ended up hanging out pretty much all day. The one girl, ended up asking my brother out to a movie that night, which he took her up on. Not really sure why they were the only ones who went on a date, the other girl Kris seemed to be tagging along with me a bit.... but I did end up getting her phone number and address.

So through the fall and winter Kris and I wrote each other a couple letters back and forth, and talked on the phone a couple times. This was a few years before the invent of the internet, and this was how communicating was done back in the day. We didn't have your emails and your facebooks and your unlimited supply of porn. Nope, we had regular old Canada Post, $0.50/minute long distance, and a sticky mess of a Swank magazine that someone forgot in a truckstop bathroom.

So finally, after the months of communicating, it was time again for another family visit to Gull Lake. The first full day I was there I looked up Kris, and we met up to hang out. We walked around town a bit, not really doing anything, and decided to go rent a movie. For some reason I remember it was Police Academy 4....which if I recall correctly, had a pretty cool skateboarding scene. Her mom wasn't home, and I probably had tons of opportunities to make my move, but for some reason I didn't. Oh wait, not for "some" reason, but because I was fatally shy, and had never kissed a girl in my life. So yeah, we watched the movie, and chatted, and then went for another walk....

I'm not sure why, but I was supposed to be back to my aunt and uncles at 4 o'clock. And it was almost that time. Probably going out to the farm for supper or something. So Kris and I headed in that general direction. Somewhere along the line we started holding hands as we meandered our way across town. When we got close, we stopped walking to say our goodbyes. We ended up getting out of the middle of the rode and sort-of hid behind a ragged old garage. Finally I got up the courage and leaned in to kiss her. Just closed lips on hers. That changed quickly when she basically grabbed me and pulled me back in so she could jam her tongue down my throat. I quickly figured things out and we were soon kissing like crazy. I had to keep a step away from her because I had the worst (best?) hard-on of my life up to that point and was kinda freaked out about what I was supposed to do about it. I was pretty sure stabbing a girl in the leg while kissing her was poor form....but I didn't know what the acceptable alternatives were. So yeah, I was already way past my 4pm curfew, so I pulled myself away and walked gingerly until my gear was back to its normal state.

I got in all sorts of trouble when I got back to my aunt and uncle's place, but I guess it was worth it. Got my first kiss out of it. We wrote each other a couple more times, but I don't think I ever saw Kris again. My family left Estevan and moved to red deer in the summer of '93 and we started spending more of our vacations at my parent's cottage again rather than visiting family in Saskatchewan.

Jeans vs Underwear

One of my coworkers and I were chatting about relationships the other day. She was talking about how, while every relationship is going to have a certain amount of fire and passion in the beginning, eventually that is going to fade and it's the friendship and common bond that you have formed that will keep you with that person over the years.

And I said, "well duh, most failed relationships are like underwear while the successful ones are like jeans."

And she looked at me so confused. And then she thought about it. And then she started talking, and she fleshed it right out. And it's funny...I didn't even think about it before I said it, but I think I hit the nail right on the head. Maybe I'd heard the analogy before....or maybe I'm just a genius. Could go either way really.

But back to the analogy.

A new pair of underwear is a pretty snazzy thing. They always fit so well. If you're a lady, there's a good chance they look really nice and sexy. Heck, if not for public decency laws and your own modesty, you'd probably show everyone you meet your new undies.

The problem with new undies, is that they don't stay new. Right from the first time you wash them little problems start to show up. Maybe a little detergent stain (or worse) so they don't look as nice. Maybe the elastic gets a little stretched out. Maybe a couple holes here and there. Next thing you know, you're looking for a new pair of undies. But that's the thing with undies, they're disposable. You don't have to invest a lot into them and you can get some real quality use out of them. But then when they start to get a bit old, there's nothing better than to just throw them away and get a brand new pair.

I'm sure you've figured out where this is going, but I hate to stop when I'm on a roll.

Jeans are a tricky beast. You can search all over town, check out dozens of pairs, and then come home with one that just feels kinda good. When you look in the mirror, they look pretty good, and your friends will probably admire them, but they're still just little odd when brand new. Maybe you'll even wonder if you should have gotten a different pair.

The magical thing with jeans though, is with time they just get better and better. With each wash they get a little softer and more comfortable. They start to fit a little better. Maybe they don't look as shiny and new as they once did, but everything else about them is better. Eventually, your jeans start to feel like an extension of yourself, and you really can't imagine doing anything without them. Ever pack for a trip without putting your favourite jeans in the suitcase? Probably because you were already planning to wear them en route. You can't imagine ever having to go get a new pair because you know they'll never be as good as the ones you already have.

When you're shopping for clothes, you can tell which one you're buying in advance. It's a little more difficult with relationships. Oh yeah, there are clues here and there, but also it takes a lot of hard work and commitment.

"E", I really hope you'll become my favourite pair of jeans. :D

Back to the beginning

I thought for a change of pace I'd turn my focus away from my current relationship, and go back in time to where it all began. My first girlfriend. Funny thing about that, the human subject of the posts is the same. Don't worry though, the time and place are well removed from the here and now.

I'd kissed a couple girls before. And hung out with a few girls during my summers at my parents cottage that I probably should have kissed. Heck, I'd even asked out her friend "K" and taken her to a movie just before asking "E" out. That was my first real date, and it basically ended with me being told "you know, I think "E" really likes you, you should ask her out." WTF?!!?? Oh well, if only every unsuccessful date ended with a referral to a more likely prospect, what a happy world this would be. But, anyway, "E" was my first girlfriend. To me that means, I asked her out. We went on a date. We still hung out after the date, with the hanging out involving kissing or hand-holding.

So yeah, I met "K" and "E" when my friend "P" was dating "K". (As an aside here....sorry for the awkwardness of the initials, but if I'm going to be relatively anonymous, I feel I should respect the anonymity of my subjects as much as possible as well). The summer of 1996, "P" and I were going down near Bower Ponds in Red Deer and rollerblading on the paths nearly every day. One day "P" brought along "K" and her pal "E". I remember that during this meeting, "P" and "K" kept swooping off by themselves leaving me to entertain "E" on my own. I don't really remember a whole lot about the details, but I do remember she had a nose ring, a small stud actually, that I kept saying would make some lovely sparks if she managed to faceplant. Also, I vividly remember her pants. These were the type of pants that stay in your mind forever. They were an incredible red/white gingham pattern, tight enough to show off her shape. I probably spent most of my time rollerblading behind her, despite being a much better skater, just to keep an eye on them. So, yeah, despite seeming to have a pretty good rapport, I didn't really talk to or think of "E" again for a few months, until after the date with "K".

Not really sure how it all worked out, but I eventually got up the courage to call "E" and ask her out. Our first date was a movie, I don't remember what it was, but somewhere in the uncomfortable darkness I got up the courage to hold her hand. I don't even remember if we kissed at the end of the night....if so, probably just a friendly peck. However, later one of her brothers told me that she "melted" when I took her hand...so that's pretty good. One thing I know for sure, this was the last time I used a movie as a first date. There's no chance to talk, you've got a big arm rest between you. You can't see well enough to read any body language. Worst first date idea EVER!

The rest of the month consisted of just hanging out, walking around the neighbourhood. Kissing beside her house. Kissing behind the school. I know I felt up her shirt...I think under her bra even, but when I tried to go below the waist she made sure to keep her legs together. I guess these details don't really matter, but I remember them for some reason.

The other thing I clearly remember was her unreliability. She would say she was going to call me on certain nights, or at certain times, and was invariably late, or even completely forgot about me. One time she left me a note in my mailbox. She'd had to skip our hanging out because she had to take a friend to Calgary for a medical emergency. This was obviously better than the times she didn't call or anything, but still hurt my feelings. For one of these, once she was supposed to hang out with me, but was nowhere to be found all night, turned out she'd headed downtown with some friends and had just forgotten to call or anything. I never really felt like she liked me that much, but I was due to move to Saskatoon at the end of the month so I just rode it out as a learning experience. You can tolerate a lot more crap in an "expiry dated" relationship than you ever would in one where you don't know when it will end.

When it was time for me to go, we had a pretty sweet goodbye, and decided that we would try to make it work while I was away. I don't think I knew at the time that my parents were going to shortly be moving away themselves, to Calgary, and I didn't really think it would work out.... but maybe I could get a kiss or two next time I came to town. A short while into my school year, I received a 4-page mess of a letter, and on the bottom of the last page, as a P.S., she dumped me. I still have the letter....maybe I should put the contents up some day....she would kill me where I stand but we'll see.

When I did come back to town, for a few days over Christmas vacation, we did hang out, and we ended up making out in the stairwell of my friend's apartment. I had just got my wisdom teeth out a couple days prior and she had a cold. I was sick for 2 weeks after that. Coincidence? One of the next times I was in town, I remember calling her and chatting for a while when she said she had to answer the beep for the other line. She popped back on the line once after a few minutes and said she'd be right back. After that I think I waited about 20 minutes while my friends made fun of me. I finally hung up and then called her back later and gave her crap. We did end up going for coffee, and then we completely lost touch until 2007.