Meeting "E"'s mom today!!!

Sometimes XKCD knows me better than I know me. I will admit that I survived meeting "E"'s dad a month ago, so mom should be a piece of cake right? Should be good, unless she totally thought that "E"'s ex was "the one". Oh shit.....she did. She even invited him to thanksgiving and not her. Can't wait.

So, what's different?

This is a question that's come up a few times when I tell people about "E" and how well things are going. Basically, people want to know how I know she's the one, and what makes her different than other girls.

Well...for starters, it just feels different. Whether it's my heart (aw...so sweet) or my guts (ew :p ) doing the talking, something just tells me that this is different. But maybe that's not good enough. I mean, everyone feels good about a new relationship, otherwise you wouldn't have let things progress past the 3rd date. If it doesn't feel good at the beginning, it's probably not going to become amazing. But why do I think this is going to work and not be a relationship that starts out good and then fizzles out? Well, I'll try to logically examine things.

1) We were friends first and are becoming best friends. Most successful long-term relationships are based on the people involved being best friends. It's maybe too soon to call "E" my best friend, but she's climbing right up there. I've told her things I've never told anybody, and she's told me things that I suspect she hasn't told a lot of people. Ignoring the fact that we dated 12 years ago, since it's mostly irrelevant (although makes for a pretty cool story), we started chatting on facebook about a year ago, and started hanging out regularly in Aug/Sept last year. Our friendship was well established before we started dating.

2) I was not single for a long period of time. Not the best thing to advertise, but I don't really do well with being single. I know people always say you should be comfortable with yourself, yadda yadda yadda, but I don't care. When I'm single, I get lonely. My self esteem goes way down, and my shyness goes way way up. I have zero self-confidence. I get completely paralyzed around any girl I might actually be interested in. If by some chance I do get an "in" with a girl, I get clingy and border-line stalkerish. These are not good things. Also, as anyone who knows me will tell you, that's not what I'm like. I tend to make really poor choices when I'm single, but am unable to see how poor they are because I've become convinced that I can't do any better....that I don't DESERVE any better. I become willing to put up with all sorts of things that I wouldn't otherwise tolerate, and still think it's the best thing that's ever happened to me. After a while, my confidence and self-esteem always returns and I start noticing how crappy things have been, and that's when I realize I'd been putting lipstick on a pig.

With "E", we pretty much started dating right out of the ashes of my relationship with "T". We'd been friends already for a few months, and I'll admit I had already started to develop "romantic" feelings for her before "T" and I broke up. I could tell "E" had feelings for me too, so it was with a great deal of confidence that I ended things with "T". Was this fair to "T"? Probably not, however, when we finally ended it, she stated that she had been considering breaking up with me for weeks prior. Why she didn't, I don't know, but I think we were both to blame in our relationship dragging out much longer than it should have.

3) No major violations of "How to care for your Ren" Nobody is perfect but some people are certainly better than others. I wouldn't expect anyone to know everything about me right off the bat, it's a long-term process. The big difference between "E" and a lot of girls is that "E" actually listens to me when I mention I don't like something, and tries to change things to suit me. "E" does know about this blog, and was a bit upset when she thought that a few of the recommendations were pointed at her. But the thing is, she did the stuff she was worried about once or twice tops, we talked about it, and she said she'd try harder. That's all it takes, making an effort.

4) Two-way communication. How big is this? Hmm. When we're upset, we both tend to get pouty and stubborn. But then we come back to the table and we talk about it. We haven't had a disagreement yet that we haven't been able to find some middle ground on, and that's awesome. This can be the deal-breaker for a lot of couples. You may get along fine day to day, but it's how you deal with things when you're not getting along that will determine if you're set for the long haul.

5) We're more similar than you would think. I got straight A's in high school, went right to university, and have been working as a pharmacist for the last 8 years. She did well in some things in school, but definitely didn't "get" math or science. She didn't go to university, partied it up for a couple years, and actually spent most of the last 5 years as a "housewife" (she wasn't married though). Doesn't sound like we're too much alike. But we are.

We're both big "geeks". We both enjoy playing video games, a bunch of our early hanging out involved playing "LEGO: Batman". We've also got a game called Dokapon Kingdom that we've put countless hours into. We both love old "pulp" fiction. She told me she loved the book "The Postman Always Rings Twice" by James M Cain and a few others, and my favourite author EVER is Raymond Chandler. (Incidentally Raymond Chandler wrote the screenplay for the movie version of James M Cain's "Double Indemnity). From our love of the books, we've developed a pretty fun hobby of watching old film noirs whenever possible. Wanna know how geeky we are? We bought a mini chess set so we can play chess in bed together. WTF?!!??

Also, I wasn't exactly a model student in university. I was luckily able to coast through on just my smarts and cramming last minute, while partying my ass off the rest of the time. So while it doesn't appear on paper that I had a wild-and-crazy party phase, I definitely did. And she's going back to school in the fall, I bet she does a whole lot better grade-wise than I did.

6) She's freaken gorgeous (and she thinks I'm ok too). Ok, so I'm shallow, but you know this matters. "E" is very atractive. And she's got the kind of classy good looks that I think she's still going to be beautiful when she gets older. She's got beautiful green eyes, a great smile, a great figure, she's just incredible. And she looks good all the time too. Tonight she's sick as a dog with this horrible cold we both got, and she still looks amazing. First thing in the morning. Hot. All dressed up to go out, super hot. Every time I look at her I just say WOW!!! And she says the same kinda stuff about me. She loves my silly curly hair, and likes my beard. She always says I have the cutest smile, and she likes my voice. Mutual attraction....check.

7) Physical compatibility. I think this is just a polite way of saying that the sex is great. And man is it ever. Firstly, we can barely keep our hands off each other. Secondly, when we get it on, it's simply amazing. We're just so in tune with each other. Sweet and gentle, or a little more energetic, we seem to want both in similar proportions. And unless she's really not telling me something, I think we're into about the same level of kinkiness. It's like nothing I've ever experienced before.

8) The pupsters. "E" loves my dogs. And they love her. She's really like a "mommy" to them, and does a great job of looking after them while I'm at work, and even when I'm at home. She gets up to let them out and doesn't just leave it to me. No big deal you say? Well, to me this is a sign that she takes our relationship seriously, and is in it for the long haul. Might as well start acting like this is a partnership now, and treating the dogs like part of the family is a pretty quick and easy way to become a part of the family yourself.

9) I'm not tired of her. "What the hell Ren!" you say, "you're not even trying with this one, how do you get tired of someone after only dating for 2 months?". We haven't taken it slow and easy like most relationships. If you're just "dating for 2 months" you might see the person once or twice a week, with a couple sleep-overs thrown in for fun. We on the other hand have been nearly inseparable since the start, and have been living together for about a month already. This is nearly unheard of for me. I get tired of many of my friends after 6-8 hours. Part of why it works is because we do give each other space around the house. She'll be doing her thing in one room and I'll be doing my own thing in the other. We don't need to constantly entertain the other, we have our own stuff going on, but then we always get back together and have "us" fun too. But a bigger part of it is just that we get along so well. We're perfect for each other.

10)We want the same things. Neither of us is getting any younger, and while this is no reason to commit to something less than perfect, it's a good motivator when the right person comes along. I've never really been big on kids, and neither has "E", but when we started talking about it, we both came around to the conclusion that we'd like to have kids together. I don't know where that feeling came from. The thought of having kids has crossed my mind before, but more as just one of those things you're supposed to do eventually, than as something I was seriously into.


So there we go....I'm going to leave it at 10 things. I could keep going here, but this post is stretching out long enough, and I'm since I'll be keeping you up to date as things progress you'll see for yourselves how it's going. I know she's the one. We even went ring shopping "just to look" a couple weeks ago.

Sleep talking

While I am near-famous for many of my quirks and idiosyncrasies, an oft-mentioned favourite is my propensity for sleep talking. Now, I'm not talking about just mumbling incoherently, or saying a few words in a dream, I actually have full blown lucid-seeming conversations while I'm asleep. Of course my logic centers are asleep so I don't always make sense, and I will draw conclusions and comparisons that befuddle and confuse anyone who is trying to converse with me, but I will put together proper sentences, and respond when spoken to.

One problem in the past has been that since I am asleep, I obviously don't remember the conversations, and my chat-partners often don't remember well enough to document it. However, "E" has volunteered to try to write down what we talk about as soon as possible, and email it to me so I can share with you. Hopefully this will become an amusing recurring feature on here.

Last night's conversation.

Me: (waking out of sleep) Whhaaaa...?

"E": (looks over and smiles) Go back to sleep, baby.

Me: Do you have your sleeping things?

"E": Ha ha ha.

Me: What?

"E": Did you just ask if I had my sleeping things?

Me: Yes. There's a thing, a pencil sharpener, it's in the middle of the bed. I didn't want you to cut yourself on it. It's sharp.

"E": Don't worry. I'll watch out for it. Love you.

Me: Zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

Writer's block

Writer's block? I'm not really much of a writer so I don't know if I get to use the term or not. I just don't really know what to write about next.

Things I have on my idea list right now.

"E" - Except there's not a whole lot to write. She's moved in, I don't even remember when it was official. It's been wonderful so far. She helps out so much around the house, and is great with the dogs. I really think she is the girl I'm going to marry. I haven't felt this way about anyone since....well, I haven't told you about that person yet....but there's been a lot of chaff in between then and now. She still hasn't found a replacement job for that one that fell through, but she's thinking of going back to school. What kind of job she can go for now will depend on her school plans, so it's best to take it one step at a time. So, while there's definitely stuff going on with "E", there's really not a whole lot of really bloggable stuff.

Past relationships and non-relationships - I'm still going to work on these. Just can't decide how to post them and what order. Keep plowing through chronologically? Randomly bounce around? Just focus on juicy stories about people that I know are reading this. ;) There's a few crushes and 1-time kisses that I think I'll probably group together. Or I might attach them to another relationship if they were an incident of infidelity.

More about me - I kinda thought I'd leave most of the "getting to know the author" type stuff to you readers. Let you get an idea of who I am and what makes me tick just by the stories I tell, and how I acted in different situations. A little more objective than me writing an essay about who I think I am. But at the same time there are some topics that I'm not sure will get fleshed out very well. I've got a post partly worked out about my musical tastes, and what I listened to along the way to get where I am today. Maybe some other stuff too. I guess we'll see. Maybe I'll just watch for things that need more elaboration and write about them as needed.

Hmm, so maybe I don't have writer's block, looks like I just have to start typing and something will come out. Easy. Just like the master:
“When in doubt, have a man come through a door with a gun in his hand.” — Raymond Chandler

How to care for your Ren™

Since I'm planning on taking this blog on a fairly lengthy trip through my past relationships etc, I thought it would be good to explore why they became "past" relationships. For some reason I've never really been "dumped"....mostly things have just drifted apart, or things that started out as small annoyances became too much to tolerate. Or other things that don't really apply, so they will be covered in their respective future blog posts.



Congratulations on your acquisition of a genuine Ren™. With proper care and attention your Ren™ can be an unending source of entertainment, a sport or activity partner, a confidant, a terrific sex partner, and even a lifelong companion. Your Ren™ will love you, cherish you, respect you, and make your life better than you ever thought it could be. Like any living thing, your Ren™ has needs that must be fulfilled in order for you and he to maximize your relationship.

While research into the needs of the Ren™ is a never-ending process, here are a few tips we've received from previous clients.



Try to keep your Ren™ well-fed with healthy, nutritious food and keep him well hydrated. While your Ren™ can feed himself, without guidance he tends to make poor choices and will attempt to nourish himself solely on doritos, beer, and energy drinks with the occasional foray for indian food. Your Ren™ loves to be cooked for and pampered, however, sometimes all he needs is someone to cook with, or even just a push in the right direction at the grocery store.

Provide your Ren™ with lots of love and attention. There's nothing that a Ren™ likes more than to be told that you're thinking of him. Or that you love him even. Sometimes just a little squeeze or touch or smile is all it takes to make his entire day a little better and bring him closer to you.

But don't smother him. As much as your Ren™ likes to spend time with you he does sometimes need a little "me" time. Sometimes just a single evening apart visiting your own separate friends, or a couple hours of doing your own thing around the house is all it takes. What's probably just a few hours away is a huge reminder to him that you're his most favourite person in the world and how much better life is when you're around.

Ask him how he's feeling. Once he trusts you, Ren™ is a pretty open guy. Ren™ won't always just offer up everything though. He's used to keeping it all inside, and if you never ask he might just figure you're not interested. Ren™ is pretty introspective, and you might be surprised what's going on in that head of his.

Tell him what you're thinking. Ren™ doesn't just have a lot going on in his head, he knows you do too. Quite often he'll ask you what you're thinking and when he does it's because he genuinely wants to know. If you always say "nothing", your Ren™ will probably assume one of two things depending on how he's feeling himself. One: It really is nothing and you're just going with the flow because the flow is good. Two: It's something...and it's something bad, because he's feeling kind of down.

If he doesn't want to tell you now, he probably will later. Sometimes your Ren™ won't want to tell you how he's feeling right that moment even though you asked. He may seem really upset, or he might just seem distracted. Ren™ is a complex being and sometimes even he has trouble figuring himself out. He does want to let you know what's on his mind, but he doesn't want to say a bunch of stuff that was only partially figured out and that might be changing once he thinks about it a bit. Ren™ doesn't want to upset you by talking too soon, so give him a few minutes, and a few hugs and he'll tell you when he's ready.

Ren™ is very loyal when it comes to his friends. Sure they're goofy, or strange, or whatever, and you can't figure out why your Ren™ would be friends with them, but he is. And a lot of them are female. The key though is that Ren™ considers them his friends. He doesn't hang out with all of them very often, but he does value what they add to his life. And, by the way, the female ones are not trying to get into his pants, and Ren™ is not trying to get into theirs. A little bit of teasing, or making fun of is fine, but if you put him in a spot where he has to choose, Ren™ will usually go with the friend.

This also includes ex's. There are very not very many people in his life that Ren™ has chosen to be intimate with. You'll be able to read about most of them at one time or another on this blog. He has the distinction of really never being "dumped", therefore you can rest assured that these relationships ended or changed because of how Ren™ felt. If he has remained friends with an ex it is because he legitimately thought they added something to his life that was worth keeping. Even if they are not currently friends, Ren™ will rarely speak poorly of people that he once cared deeply for. Your Ren™ would prefer you do not speak poorly of them as well, because at one point they were a major part of his life, and the time he spent with them helped make him the Ren™ he is today. As well, he will not speak poorly of your ex's for the same reasons.

However his sister's are always fair game. He doesn't really like them that much. They're kind of annoying.

Your Ren™ likes to tease, and be teased. Ren™ has always enjoyed teasing type humor and sarcasm. He sometimes likes to say outrageous things to shock and surprise people. There's not much he enjoys more than a funny, witty back and forth with someone. He likes to push buttons, and the envelope equally, however if he knows something legitimately upsets you or is out of bounds he'll try not to go there. Likewise there are certain things he doesn't like to be teased about. He's quite sensitive about his appearance and how other people think of him. As someone who has cheated on people in the past and who still regrets it, he doesn't like to be teased about him being unfaithful. Also, as someone who has been cheated on, Ren™ doesn't like to be teased in a way that is meant to make him jealous.

Don't cheat on him. Your Ren™ will be faithful to you as long as you are together. He expects the same from you. Cheating means a lot of different things to different people, but Ren™ has found a few rules that usually work. If it would upset you if your Ren™ did that with another girl, then it's probably cheating. Also, if what you're doing is too intimate to do with your brother or other close relative, there's a good chance that it's cheating...or your family is way too creepy. If you would have any hesitation towards letting your Ren™ know you are doing it, it's probably cheating. That's not so hard is it?

Don't treat your Ren™ like a free ride. While your Ren™ will enjoy buying you presents and treating you to things like meals and movies, he doesn't like feeling like it's expected of him. The modern relationship is a two-way street, and if you expect men to forget all the oppressive parts of the old paternalistic gender roles, you're going to have to lighten up on your demands to keep all the chivalrous ones. Buy your Ren™ supper every so often. Take him to a movie. Grab a case of beer for him. In the end you'll probably find your Ren™ still picks up more than half, but his perception will be much better.

Don't act like a houseguest. When your Ren™ has guests visiting from out of town, he expects to have to clean the entire house for them, feed them, entertain them, etc. He does not expect them to shovel the walk, take care of the dogs, clean, do laundry, buy groceries, etc. The first couple times you stay for a night at your Ren's™ house he will treat you like a houseguest. Once you start spending more time at his house than at your own, you are no longer a guest and it's best to stop acting like one. He won't ask you to do it, so if you may think it's ok to continue the guest role, however this will make your Ren™ very unhappy. While entertaining guests he thinks it is rude to ignore them to clean or do laundry etc, so he will need to send you away to do these things. Of course if this has been going on for an extended period your Ren™ may be very unhappy as well as feeling very smothered. This will probably result in him using his cleaning time for "me" time. Therefore the chores will not be done when you return and he will soon need to make you go away again in order to try to do them. This has the potential to cycle and cycle so that he no longer enjoys spending time with you.

Be punctual. Ren™ likes to be on time for things. He also expects other people to be on time for things. Because he likes to be on time, he doesn't like waiting around with nothing to do when other people aren't. If you can't be on time, call BEFORE you are late to let your Ren™ know. Then maybe he can find something to do other than pace back and forth counting the seconds and getting grumpy.

Take charge. Your Ren™ is a pretty easygoing guy. Quite often he'll be happy to go along with whatever you like. When he has an opinion he'll let you know, but if he really doesn't he'd love to know what you want to do, or even just a couple suggestions.

Ease him into new situations. Your new Ren™ is quite shy and startles easily in new environments. When introducing your Ren™ to a bunch of friends, or your family it will go a lot smoother if you help him out as much as you can. As you know, he can be very confident and outgoing once he is comfortable, so try to keep him comfortable and he will do his best to impress you and make you proud to show him off.

Go ahead and complain, then change it up. Your Ren™ is there for you when things are upsetting you. If you need to get something off your chest, he will be more than happy to lend you an ear or give you a shoulder to cry on. However, he finds it frustrating to hear you complain about the same thing over and over and over. If it's so important that you can't get it out of your head then you need to do something about it. If it's not important enough to do something about, it's probably best to just let it slide. Complaining endlessly about it doesn't help with either one.

Criticize what your Ren™ does, not him. Your Ren™ will probably do some stupid things during your time with him. He is also a very sensitive beast. If he does something stupid that you would prefer he not do again it's best to tell him. However, it is important to make sure that your Ren™ knows that while you dislike the action, and how it made you feel, you still love him and how he makes you feel.

Don't embarrass your Ren™ in public. Seeing as your Ren™ is very shy, he generally does not like to be noticed when in public. Ren™ does not like to have deep conversations, or talk on the phone in front of people. He doesn't really like the horrible birthday fiascoes that chain restaurants do. Complaints in stores and restaurants should be made respectfully and discreetly. Also, your Ren™ will not fight or argue with you in public. Any attempts to do so will work out one of two ways. A: Ren™ completely folds his position, allowing you a perceived victory, only to resume the argument asap once in private. B: Ren™ will say something rude, mean or outrageous simply to provoke you and make you angrier, then proceed to leave the situation immediately allowing you the choice to have a complete meltdown, or come after him. Both options suck, so it's best to avoid this kind of situation.

Have fun. Your Ren™ can provide you with many years of enjoyment, companionship and other things you can only dream of. The most important thing with a Ren™ is to have fun. If you're having fun, then he's probably having fun.


Thanks for reading this and I hope this guide helps you find years of enjoyment with your Ren™. As mentioned, study of the Ren™ is ongoing and this list may be added to at a future time as more data is collected.

Love and learning at the cottage.

"My hands are cold" she said to me, that starry night, as we sat on the hill beside the lake.

"Hmm, maybe you should sit on them or put them in your pockets even" was my very practical and helpful reply.

Hmm....maybe if I wasn't such a meathead and didn't miss this obvious invite to hold her hand, I might have gotten somewhere with this young lady. Actually, I did finally get somewhere with her, but it was due to a game of truth or dare that she and her friend set up rather than any actual smart moves on my part.

The girl in question we'll call "S". That's because "S" is the first letter of her name, and not because she has weirdo hippies for parents that actually just called her "S". I met her a few years prior to the summer we kissed, actually while playing basketball with my brother and cousin. This seemed to be the best way to meet chicks that I ever hit on. So after our intial meeting, my brother and I started to hang out with "S" and her various friends pretty much any chance we got out at my parent's cottage. We'd play cards, go for walks, play a bit of basketball, mostly just have good clean fun. About the worst kind of trouble we ever got into was staying out past curfew. Wow....pretty hardcore.

I always thought "S" was pretty cute, but due to my shyness, and eventually just due to not wanting to make our friendship awkward, I never moved on it. I guess the summer of '95 she finally got tired of waiting for me and decided to make the move. It started out with her and I hanging out just the two of us a lot more often. Previously, my brother would always be along as well, but this summer it seemed it was often just the two of us.

So yeah, not much happened for the longest time except I started to notice again how cute she was and I started to wish for the courage to make a move. After the fumbled chance by the lake I figured I had blown it. Luckily she persisted, and by the next weekend seemed to have a new plan. It was the last weekend of the summer I believe, and my bro had brought out his friend Paul, and "S" had brought out her friend Emma. We hung out as usual, and then ended up at another friend's place, in his tent, when someone suggested we play truth or dare.

It went through a few rounds with some embarrasing truths and the occasional silly dare, the silliest requiring Paul to kiss Emma where there was a hole in her jeans on her inner thigh. Then, the fix was in, and "S" was dared to kiss me. So we kissed. Started out hesitant but then proceeded into a pretty good one. Fairly soon after this the game dissolved and I ended up walking "S" home.

We went the long way. Holding hands the entire time, and stopping frequently for kiss breaks. I think we'd both wanted this to happen for so long, and then it finally did, we just couldn't get enough. We hung out the next day, for as long as we could until it was time for my parents to head back to Red Deer, and hers to Calgary. We wrote each other a few letters that winter, and I even visited her once and took her to a movie, but the distance was too much. Even though she only lived 150km away, I had no car and was busy with my first year at Red Deer college.

We saw each other a couple times the next summer but never recaptured the magic of those stolen moments alone together. Funny how you can take so long working your way up to something, only to have it flash past you like a bolt of lightning. That was my big lesson from "S", if you want something, you have to make your move on it. If you wait for the perfect moment, it might never come, or it might come too late, and all you'll be left with is the regret and the thoughts of what might have been.

Early days up to first kiss

I don't remember when I started noticing girls. I guess it was sometime in my early teens, kinda like pretty much every guy. I just didn't seem to have time for them. I played hockey which took up 3 or so nights per week. I also had a couple friends that I'd hang out with any chance I got, playing street hockey, or skateboarding, or computer games. So yeah, I knew girls existed, I just wasn't sure how one would fit into my life.

I do know that I went to pretty much every school dance in junior high and high school when I lived in Estevan. Didn't actually dance though....just hid in the corner. Not only was I too shy to actually ask anyone to dance, but the few times that I got asked I begged out of it. I just couldn't do it. Everyone who knows me knows that I'm incredibly shy, but it's nothing compared to how I was back then. So basically, I'd go to the dances, sit around by myself, or chatting with a friend off and on between their dances, and just feel miserable. Repeat that monthly for the better part of 4 years.

Two side-effects from this is that I still don't really like to dance. And I pretty much hate all popular music from 1990-1993. Paula Abdul, Gloria Estefan, Madonna, Mariah Carey, Vanilla Ice, MC Hammer, Roxette, Bryan Adams, Michael Jackson, Janet Jackson, Amy Grant, C&C Music Factory, Whitney Houston, Mr. Big, Boyz II Men, Ace of Base, any pop-country (Garth Brooks etc) or Hair metal (Poison, Motley Crue etc). I guess I should follow this mess up with a post about the music I actually do like. To summarize though, most of what I don't like can be traced back to my years in Estevan. Commercial pop? Ick. If it's "the greatest song ever" this week, how come you can't even remember it in a year?. Pop country? If the only thing separating your "country" record from the "pop/rock" records is a steel guitar, a 5-gallon hat on your 2-gallon head, and some quasi-patriotic xenophobia....you're selling an image, and I'm not buying it. Hair metal? I'm not even going to address this, however I knew who listened to this kind of music in Estevan (pretty much every male) and I knew I didn't want to be like them, therefore.....well, you figure it out.

So, you're probably wondering now how I went from torturing myself at school dances and not actually being able to talk to any females to my first kiss. Or you're not. Or there's actually nobody reading this. Oh well, onwards.

My family on my dad's side is from the town/area of Gull Lake, Saskatchewan. A little ways outside of Swift Current, it's not much of a town, couple grocery stores, a pharmacy, beat up movie theatre, chinese food restaurant. Guess it's a typical Saskatchewan small town. Well, we used to head out there for a portion of every summer to hang out with my relatives, you know...the family thing. Well this one summer, and I'm not sure which one off hand, probably 1992 if I had to guess, my brother and I were playing basketball with my cousin who had come down from Saskatoon. Nothing too exciting, just taking turns playing 1-on-1, HORSE, or whatever. Well at some point a couple girls walked by, and my cousin being a very outgoing guy, called them over. The two of them came over, and started chatting, and eventually the five of us ended up hanging out pretty much all day. The one girl, ended up asking my brother out to a movie that night, which he took her up on. Not really sure why they were the only ones who went on a date, the other girl Kris seemed to be tagging along with me a bit.... but I did end up getting her phone number and address.

So through the fall and winter Kris and I wrote each other a couple letters back and forth, and talked on the phone a couple times. This was a few years before the invent of the internet, and this was how communicating was done back in the day. We didn't have your emails and your facebooks and your unlimited supply of porn. Nope, we had regular old Canada Post, $0.50/minute long distance, and a sticky mess of a Swank magazine that someone forgot in a truckstop bathroom.

So finally, after the months of communicating, it was time again for another family visit to Gull Lake. The first full day I was there I looked up Kris, and we met up to hang out. We walked around town a bit, not really doing anything, and decided to go rent a movie. For some reason I remember it was Police Academy 4....which if I recall correctly, had a pretty cool skateboarding scene. Her mom wasn't home, and I probably had tons of opportunities to make my move, but for some reason I didn't. Oh wait, not for "some" reason, but because I was fatally shy, and had never kissed a girl in my life. So yeah, we watched the movie, and chatted, and then went for another walk....

I'm not sure why, but I was supposed to be back to my aunt and uncles at 4 o'clock. And it was almost that time. Probably going out to the farm for supper or something. So Kris and I headed in that general direction. Somewhere along the line we started holding hands as we meandered our way across town. When we got close, we stopped walking to say our goodbyes. We ended up getting out of the middle of the rode and sort-of hid behind a ragged old garage. Finally I got up the courage and leaned in to kiss her. Just closed lips on hers. That changed quickly when she basically grabbed me and pulled me back in so she could jam her tongue down my throat. I quickly figured things out and we were soon kissing like crazy. I had to keep a step away from her because I had the worst (best?) hard-on of my life up to that point and was kinda freaked out about what I was supposed to do about it. I was pretty sure stabbing a girl in the leg while kissing her was poor form....but I didn't know what the acceptable alternatives were. So yeah, I was already way past my 4pm curfew, so I pulled myself away and walked gingerly until my gear was back to its normal state.

I got in all sorts of trouble when I got back to my aunt and uncle's place, but I guess it was worth it. Got my first kiss out of it. We wrote each other a couple more times, but I don't think I ever saw Kris again. My family left Estevan and moved to red deer in the summer of '93 and we started spending more of our vacations at my parent's cottage again rather than visiting family in Saskatchewan.

Jeans vs Underwear

One of my coworkers and I were chatting about relationships the other day. She was talking about how, while every relationship is going to have a certain amount of fire and passion in the beginning, eventually that is going to fade and it's the friendship and common bond that you have formed that will keep you with that person over the years.

And I said, "well duh, most failed relationships are like underwear while the successful ones are like jeans."

And she looked at me so confused. And then she thought about it. And then she started talking, and she fleshed it right out. And it's funny...I didn't even think about it before I said it, but I think I hit the nail right on the head. Maybe I'd heard the analogy before....or maybe I'm just a genius. Could go either way really.

But back to the analogy.

A new pair of underwear is a pretty snazzy thing. They always fit so well. If you're a lady, there's a good chance they look really nice and sexy. Heck, if not for public decency laws and your own modesty, you'd probably show everyone you meet your new undies.

The problem with new undies, is that they don't stay new. Right from the first time you wash them little problems start to show up. Maybe a little detergent stain (or worse) so they don't look as nice. Maybe the elastic gets a little stretched out. Maybe a couple holes here and there. Next thing you know, you're looking for a new pair of undies. But that's the thing with undies, they're disposable. You don't have to invest a lot into them and you can get some real quality use out of them. But then when they start to get a bit old, there's nothing better than to just throw them away and get a brand new pair.

I'm sure you've figured out where this is going, but I hate to stop when I'm on a roll.

Jeans are a tricky beast. You can search all over town, check out dozens of pairs, and then come home with one that just feels kinda good. When you look in the mirror, they look pretty good, and your friends will probably admire them, but they're still just little odd when brand new. Maybe you'll even wonder if you should have gotten a different pair.

The magical thing with jeans though, is with time they just get better and better. With each wash they get a little softer and more comfortable. They start to fit a little better. Maybe they don't look as shiny and new as they once did, but everything else about them is better. Eventually, your jeans start to feel like an extension of yourself, and you really can't imagine doing anything without them. Ever pack for a trip without putting your favourite jeans in the suitcase? Probably because you were already planning to wear them en route. You can't imagine ever having to go get a new pair because you know they'll never be as good as the ones you already have.

When you're shopping for clothes, you can tell which one you're buying in advance. It's a little more difficult with relationships. Oh yeah, there are clues here and there, but also it takes a lot of hard work and commitment.

"E", I really hope you'll become my favourite pair of jeans. :D

Back to the beginning

I thought for a change of pace I'd turn my focus away from my current relationship, and go back in time to where it all began. My first girlfriend. Funny thing about that, the human subject of the posts is the same. Don't worry though, the time and place are well removed from the here and now.

I'd kissed a couple girls before. And hung out with a few girls during my summers at my parents cottage that I probably should have kissed. Heck, I'd even asked out her friend "K" and taken her to a movie just before asking "E" out. That was my first real date, and it basically ended with me being told "you know, I think "E" really likes you, you should ask her out." WTF?!!?? Oh well, if only every unsuccessful date ended with a referral to a more likely prospect, what a happy world this would be. But, anyway, "E" was my first girlfriend. To me that means, I asked her out. We went on a date. We still hung out after the date, with the hanging out involving kissing or hand-holding.

So yeah, I met "K" and "E" when my friend "P" was dating "K". (As an aside here....sorry for the awkwardness of the initials, but if I'm going to be relatively anonymous, I feel I should respect the anonymity of my subjects as much as possible as well). The summer of 1996, "P" and I were going down near Bower Ponds in Red Deer and rollerblading on the paths nearly every day. One day "P" brought along "K" and her pal "E". I remember that during this meeting, "P" and "K" kept swooping off by themselves leaving me to entertain "E" on my own. I don't really remember a whole lot about the details, but I do remember she had a nose ring, a small stud actually, that I kept saying would make some lovely sparks if she managed to faceplant. Also, I vividly remember her pants. These were the type of pants that stay in your mind forever. They were an incredible red/white gingham pattern, tight enough to show off her shape. I probably spent most of my time rollerblading behind her, despite being a much better skater, just to keep an eye on them. So, yeah, despite seeming to have a pretty good rapport, I didn't really talk to or think of "E" again for a few months, until after the date with "K".

Not really sure how it all worked out, but I eventually got up the courage to call "E" and ask her out. Our first date was a movie, I don't remember what it was, but somewhere in the uncomfortable darkness I got up the courage to hold her hand. I don't even remember if we kissed at the end of the night....if so, probably just a friendly peck. However, later one of her brothers told me that she "melted" when I took her hand...so that's pretty good. One thing I know for sure, this was the last time I used a movie as a first date. There's no chance to talk, you've got a big arm rest between you. You can't see well enough to read any body language. Worst first date idea EVER!

The rest of the month consisted of just hanging out, walking around the neighbourhood. Kissing beside her house. Kissing behind the school. I know I felt up her shirt...I think under her bra even, but when I tried to go below the waist she made sure to keep her legs together. I guess these details don't really matter, but I remember them for some reason.

The other thing I clearly remember was her unreliability. She would say she was going to call me on certain nights, or at certain times, and was invariably late, or even completely forgot about me. One time she left me a note in my mailbox. She'd had to skip our hanging out because she had to take a friend to Calgary for a medical emergency. This was obviously better than the times she didn't call or anything, but still hurt my feelings. For one of these, once she was supposed to hang out with me, but was nowhere to be found all night, turned out she'd headed downtown with some friends and had just forgotten to call or anything. I never really felt like she liked me that much, but I was due to move to Saskatoon at the end of the month so I just rode it out as a learning experience. You can tolerate a lot more crap in an "expiry dated" relationship than you ever would in one where you don't know when it will end.

When it was time for me to go, we had a pretty sweet goodbye, and decided that we would try to make it work while I was away. I don't think I knew at the time that my parents were going to shortly be moving away themselves, to Calgary, and I didn't really think it would work out.... but maybe I could get a kiss or two next time I came to town. A short while into my school year, I received a 4-page mess of a letter, and on the bottom of the last page, as a P.S., she dumped me. I still have the letter....maybe I should put the contents up some day....she would kill me where I stand but we'll see.

When I did come back to town, for a few days over Christmas vacation, we did hang out, and we ended up making out in the stairwell of my friend's apartment. I had just got my wisdom teeth out a couple days prior and she had a cold. I was sick for 2 weeks after that. Coincidence? One of the next times I was in town, I remember calling her and chatting for a while when she said she had to answer the beep for the other line. She popped back on the line once after a few minutes and said she'd be right back. After that I think I waited about 20 minutes while my friends made fun of me. I finally hung up and then called her back later and gave her crap. We did end up going for coffee, and then we completely lost touch until 2007.

Not as scared as I thought I would be

Last night "E" and I had a bunch of good chats. It started out with me being slightly annoyed, because she left her place to come to mine at 5pm when she had told me earlier that she'd be at my place BY 5pm. Obviously not the same thing. I've always been a stickler for punctuality, but I know that's not exactly her strong suit....so I guess I should lighten up a bit, and ride the middle ground....at least she texted me at 5 telling me she was on her way. So yeah....kinda a stupid thing to fight about, but whatever....water under the fridge as one of my weird newfie coworkers says.

After I was finished being a jerk, I finally remembered that she'd had a pretty awful day. Between a job she was supposed to be starting seeming to fall through, getting hassle from her old roomies about moving out, and having to borrow money to pay the rent at her old place, she wasn't feeling too good. So we talked, and hugged and I tried to make her feel better.

Once she seemed to be cheered up a bit, we got down to fixing my bed. I hadn't really noticed how squeaky it was until a house guest "C" complained that she could hear it. Whoops!! When we were cuddling, I suggested we might want to do a little bit more, but "E" said she was more in just a cuddling mood. Since she's very rarely in "just a cuddling mood" I suspected something was up. Turns out it wasn't a big deal, just her monthly lady business. She'd taken her last 2 packs of pills back to back to skip her period but was kinda weirded out about it and wanted to make sure she wasn't pregnant when there was still time to deal with it. No worries, fair enough.

So the rest of the evening went on, with her being in a pretty frisky mood all night. We watched a movie, and barely made it to the end, before heading up to bed. When we got to bed she looked at me shyly and said something like "you know, a little bit of me was disappointed". Since this really didn't have any context at the time, I asked about what, and she told me...

Apparently she was the tiniest bit disappointed that she wasn't pregnant because she'd love to have children with me. Wow. The old me would have run away right then....or at least started the slow departure.....but not this time. "E" must really be the one....we did quickly reconfirm that neither of us are ready right now....but that I'm able to discuss having children is just amazing to me. Fuck I love her so much.

First big tiff and some news

Well...."E" and I have survived our first fight. Barely.

The setup? Her roommate's birthday party, saturday night. It was a pretty good time overall, with a couple of her friends going out of their way to try to talk to me. However, it made me fairly uncomfortable that none of her friends really had anything nice to say about her. At one point one of her pals said to me "you gotta watch it with "E", she's the kinda girl that will gut you, just as a joke, and you won't ever understand what the joke was." And I know he's joking, "E" has worked really hard to achieve an air of cruelty, unphasability, and distance.....but what do you say to something like that.

Also, I mentioned that she used to be a bit of a party girl....well that came up a few times, in a few different ways. Mostly the sleeping around side of the party life way. I'm just not sure what a guy's supposed to do when his girlfriend's friends basically call her a slut. I know she liked to have fun back in the day, and I'm pretty sure she was "intimate" with more than one of the guys (and girls?) around that table at one point or another. Frankly....in the complete abstract, I'm fine with her history......I really don't think she's like that anymore and I genuinely believe she's ready to settle down with the right guy, but it makes me sick to my stomach, thinking that all these people have shared something with her that I've always considered to be pretty special, and having it more or less rubbed right in my face that it's not (or at least wasn't) special to her. And what is a guy supposed to do? Do you just play along with the joke "....haha....slut!!!"? Do you defend her honor and punch out any guy who seems in on it? Just try to steer the conversation elsewhere? Or do you just do what I tried to do, act as undisturbed as possible, and hope for a hug to cheer you up as soon as you get home?

Well, by the time we left, I was well past my threshold for a bunch of things. I was the DD in a group that was having a lot of fun drinking. I'm shy at the best of times, and "E" was the only person I really knew at the gathering, which I tend to find exhausting at best. And as the DD I was sober, making me a little bit more shy. And I was hungry, we had a small supper thinking we'd eat at the pub, however I didn't really like the look of the menu so I just went without. Plus there was my discomfort with the turns the conversations had taken. So yeah, when we left, it was definitely time to go.

So we get out to the car, and "E" pretty much immediately noticed that I was upset, and assumed it was with her. I told her that yes I was a bit upset, but it wasn't with her (cause really....it wasn't), so it could wait till we got home. She kept bugging me about me being upset, finally declaring that she knew what I was upset about.....thinking that I was upset about her past.

Really, I don't even know her past. I've specifically avoided asking about it, because I don't really need to know. I know she's slept with more people than I have. Heck, I suspect she may have even slept with more women that I have. But what would knowing any of that for sure one way or the other actually do for me? Sure, I have my little guess in my head...4-5 years or whoopin' er up gives you lots of opportunities, but I don't need the real number. Either A: i'm right B: my guess is too low or C: my guess is too high. Other than than confirming my curiousity, and maybe making myself a bit ill, no good can come from this.

So yeah, back to the other night. I told her that it wasn't her past itself that upset me, but how everyone seemed to think it was such an interesting topic to talk about in front of her new(ish) boyfriend. I told her that made me feel really uncomfortable but that I wasn't mad at her and that I love her. She kinda hid on her side of the car, and avoided touching my hand, and mumbled that no, I didn't. So we drove for a while and finally I got her to chat a bit. But then she says some more about how I don't really love her, and that despite me saying that her past isn't important, that it obviously is and that things will never work between us.

I had kinda hit my breaking point by then. All I'd wanted when we left the pub was a little reassurance that she loved me and wanted to be with me I probably would have been fine. So why the hell was I getting told that I don't love her and that our relationship was doomed? So I very calmly asked "E" that "if you don't believe that I love you, and you don't think this relationship is going to work, then would you like me to finish driving to my place? We'll pack up all of your stuff into your truck, and since I am sober, I will drive you back to your place and then take a cab back home, and we can forget this entire mess. Is that what you want?" Well, she started crying uncontrollably, and she is not a crier. So we got home, and didn't talk at all for a while. Let the dogs out, and back in, etc. Then finally she came over and let me hug her. And she cried, and she told me that was the meanest thing I'd ever said to her. And I promised that it would be the meanest thing I would ever said to her, but I wasn't saying it to be mean....if she didn't want to make it work, there was no sense in even trying.

So we cuddled for a while, and felt a bit better, and she made us sandwiches. And we talked some more.....and we agreed, I'll try harder not to get upset by her friends teasing, and she'd try harder not to get upset just because I'm upset. So it looks like we got through it. Quite often in a relationship it's good to get that first fight out of the way....you get to see each others conflict styles....and it's proof that you can work things out. I can't say I feel a whole lot better overall for it though. But we'll see....

Oh yeah...for the "E" news; she's moving in. I know it's ridiculously fast, but I have been wanting to get a roomie to help with the bills, and plus she's really handy and helpful around the house. Much better than my last room mate. We've been hanging out nearly 24/7 for the last month (except for when I'm at work), and really no sign of strife, so I'm hoping it goes well. She told her roomies at the pub the other night, and she doesn't really have much stuff there so it should be pretty quick to get that all in. She does have a bunch of stuff at her ex's place, but she's hesitant to commit to a schedule for going to get it....hmm. I don't know what that means if anything. I know she's a bit afraid that he's going to go ballistic when it becomes obvious that she's really gone for good, so I hope that's all it is. I really hope that it's not a case of her wanting to leave the door open for herself to go back. Long-term relationships like that are so hard to finally leave behind completely. She didn't have much space where she was living so I know she only moved the essentials....hope she/we get the rest of her stuff sooner than later.

I guess in the end, except for the horrific pain of a broken heart, there's no downside to her moving in. Upside....g/f around whenever I want, puppies get extra attention, she likes to cook and clean and shop with and without me, and she's going to pay some rent so it's not like i'm supporting her. Downside....if it's not going to work it's gonna blow up in a hurry probably. But I guess that's not really a bad thing. At my age I need to know if she's the one sooner than later. I think she is....but this is a good way to help find out.

The Real Reason

Ok, so I just finished writing my "Why" post, about why this blog exists.....but here's the real reason.

A woman.

Not just any woman, the woman I love. Or at least I tell her that I do. I do know that I care about her a lot, and that I would be terribly unhappy if she no longer wanted me. Sometimes I'm not really sure I know what love is. I know what I wish love would be. I'm pretty sure this is it. I never saw it coming, it feels so right, so natural, so unforced. A little bit scary but a lot more just exciting.

I think I even was in love with a woman once before. But that was years ago. We both made mistakes, and we ruined it. I was never able to forgive her betrayal of my trust, and did so many horrible things to her in "revenge" that she could never forgive me. But, this post isn't about her, so I'll leave those stories for another day.

Since then, I've dated a few women, and I've even told them that I "loved" them. It's not that I didn't genuinely care for them, but I think I was always holding back, keeping one eye on the door and my coat on. Of course all these relationships ended, otherwise I'd have nothing to write about. These were all emotionally safe relationships. They always seemed to like me way more than I liked them, therefore not much chance of me getting hurt again. Sweet girls, usually a bit younger, more innocent than me, easy to lead along until I felt things getting too serious. When they started talking marriage or kids, it was time to break it off.

But with "E", it's different. For starters, I'm the more innocent one here. She was a bit of a party girl back in the day and has pretty much seen and done it all. She did however settle down into a long-term relationship for most of the last 5 years, which ended right before she made her re-appearance into my life. However, I don't think she was really happy in it, and despite her saying otherwise now, she previously expressed the belief that she could never be happy being committed to just one person forever. She tells me she loves me, and looks genuine when she says she wants to be with me forever. And I am completely infatuated with her. I just don't know whether the "E" that is standing in front of me declaring her love is the real article, or if it's just what she would like to aspire to be. I'm setting myself up for a huge fall here, but I think I need to do it.

You can't live and love if you're afraid. And even if you're a little bit afraid, you need to put on your bravest face and walk right into the danger if you're ever going to overcome it. So "E", I'm going to fall in love with you. I already have....as I write this I know it deep in my heart. I really want to make it work with you. You are beautiful, and fiery, and passionate, and sweet and loving, and I want you to be a part of my life more than I've ever wanted anything in the world. I want to marry you, and maybe even have children with you. I want to give you all my love and respect and treat you the way you've always wanted to be treated, because I know you will do the same for me.

"E", I'm taking my coat off, and I'm giving you my full attention.....but know this.....my heart is in your hands, if you break it, you will destroy me. I know, as much as I know anything, that I will never love another woman. Either this will be because I love you until the day I die, happily beside you, or this will be because you have ruined me. Shattered my heart, hopes, and dreams, and left me unable to love, to trust, to be anything worthwhile to another human being ever again.

I don't know I'll ever direct you to this blog, this diary of mine, but "E", if you read this, I'm sure you will recognize us. Hopefully you'll like what you see, since you'll be co-writing the story.