The Real Reason

Ok, so I just finished writing my "Why" post, about why this blog exists.....but here's the real reason.

A woman.

Not just any woman, the woman I love. Or at least I tell her that I do. I do know that I care about her a lot, and that I would be terribly unhappy if she no longer wanted me. Sometimes I'm not really sure I know what love is. I know what I wish love would be. I'm pretty sure this is it. I never saw it coming, it feels so right, so natural, so unforced. A little bit scary but a lot more just exciting.

I think I even was in love with a woman once before. But that was years ago. We both made mistakes, and we ruined it. I was never able to forgive her betrayal of my trust, and did so many horrible things to her in "revenge" that she could never forgive me. But, this post isn't about her, so I'll leave those stories for another day.

Since then, I've dated a few women, and I've even told them that I "loved" them. It's not that I didn't genuinely care for them, but I think I was always holding back, keeping one eye on the door and my coat on. Of course all these relationships ended, otherwise I'd have nothing to write about. These were all emotionally safe relationships. They always seemed to like me way more than I liked them, therefore not much chance of me getting hurt again. Sweet girls, usually a bit younger, more innocent than me, easy to lead along until I felt things getting too serious. When they started talking marriage or kids, it was time to break it off.

But with "E", it's different. For starters, I'm the more innocent one here. She was a bit of a party girl back in the day and has pretty much seen and done it all. She did however settle down into a long-term relationship for most of the last 5 years, which ended right before she made her re-appearance into my life. However, I don't think she was really happy in it, and despite her saying otherwise now, she previously expressed the belief that she could never be happy being committed to just one person forever. She tells me she loves me, and looks genuine when she says she wants to be with me forever. And I am completely infatuated with her. I just don't know whether the "E" that is standing in front of me declaring her love is the real article, or if it's just what she would like to aspire to be. I'm setting myself up for a huge fall here, but I think I need to do it.

You can't live and love if you're afraid. And even if you're a little bit afraid, you need to put on your bravest face and walk right into the danger if you're ever going to overcome it. So "E", I'm going to fall in love with you. I already have....as I write this I know it deep in my heart. I really want to make it work with you. You are beautiful, and fiery, and passionate, and sweet and loving, and I want you to be a part of my life more than I've ever wanted anything in the world. I want to marry you, and maybe even have children with you. I want to give you all my love and respect and treat you the way you've always wanted to be treated, because I know you will do the same for me.

"E", I'm taking my coat off, and I'm giving you my full attention.....but know this.....my heart is in your hands, if you break it, you will destroy me. I know, as much as I know anything, that I will never love another woman. Either this will be because I love you until the day I die, happily beside you, or this will be because you have ruined me. Shattered my heart, hopes, and dreams, and left me unable to love, to trust, to be anything worthwhile to another human being ever again.

I don't know I'll ever direct you to this blog, this diary of mine, but "E", if you read this, I'm sure you will recognize us. Hopefully you'll like what you see, since you'll be co-writing the story.