So one of the best parts of this little alternate reality we call the interweb is the ability to find out stuff about other people that maybe they don't show you as readily in the meatspace. Like this blog for instance. Do you really think I'd be sitting down with you over coffee and blabbing all of this stuff? Not freaken likely. But, I like to write, and I like to think that I entertain people, and so I've told a few select people about this blog. But I don't advertise it everywhere. Unlike my website and my other blog which I try to generate as much traffic to as possible. So why am I blabbing on and on about blog privacy when the title of this post is obviously leaning towards a self-pitying mess? Well, through reading "E's" blog, I noticed that some of her friends had commented on her posts, as friends often do. And these friends have blogger accounts too. And one of them is dreadfully boring and will not be discussed here at any length. But one of the commenters is her cousin "S" and her blog seemed to be a decent read.
It starts out with her going on at length about her failing/failed marriage, and moves on to talking about some guys she was interested in. Then it chronicles pretty much all the emails between her and one of the guys (CW) as she reels him in despite him having a live-in girlfriend back at home.
Of course, I really only enjoyed the read until I discovered what was written there about me. Just how I post stuff here about myself that perhaps I wouldn't advertise to others, "S" has written a bit about her opinion of me, which she certainly hasn't been too upfront about. (Understandable, considering what that opinion is).
Apparently "E" sent "S" a couple pictures of me, and of my g/f at the time, "T" (don't worry, I'll get to her on here eventually), and of a picture "T" had painted for me. I can't really say I'm too impressed with "E" about this, since the only reason to send these pics would be for the people looking at them to make fun of them. And make fun of them they did. Some highlights:
Referring to me:
So yeah. I could post the whole thing. Or the link. But I won't. The highlights are enough. I promise I'm not taking it out of context and that the rest of the post is not actually a total 180 that goes on to praise my looks. When I read this, I was pretty pissed off. Not really at "S" so much. I mean, whatever, she thinks I'm ugly. I've been called ugly before. I'm not a "conventionally good looking" guy. It's not like I play Monopoly just hoping to draw the "You Won 2nd Place In a Beauty Contest" card to boost my self worth. (Although it probably would). It certainly explains why I've felt so uncomfortable the couple times since then that "S" complimented me on my outfits. Probably because she:
A) still thinks I'm too ugly to live, but feels guilty so she tries to pretend
B) has gotten used to me enough that she's no longer recoiling in horror, but still feels the severe pangs of insincerity when she forces herself to say something nice.
But in the end, it's ok. I'm not trying to impress her. She seems to have already impressed herself enough for both of us anyway. From another post:
The problem is, this blog, and the thought process it led me down, has me really wondering about that. For starters. What's up with "E" sending a bunch of pictures of me and "T" to someone just to make fun of? "Well, Ren, you can't assume they'd make fun of them", you could say in her defense. But I say that's bunk. That's what "E" and her friends do when they get together. They make fun of people. Sure, I like to look at the world and laugh at what I think is strange, different or unpleasant, but sometimes they take it a lot farther than I'm comfortable with.
For example, the painting that "T" made me that "E" emailed to "S". It's of a couple of gophers kissing while standing next to a vespa type scooter. Well, "E" herself made a replica of it, just as a mockery. And of course she passed it along to "S" just for a laugh at the expense of "T" and her original. But the blog reveals, "S's" toy "CW" made his own reproduction, which was passed back to "E" who thought it was "legendary". "E" even suggested that "S" and their other gal-pal "C" should make their own copies. Ah, so mature. I know that pic of "T's" isn't anything wonderful, and is definitely a little strange. But her heart was in the right place when she made it, and it's really petty and immature to make fun of something made with good intentions. I thought it was sweet, and a nice gesture so making a mockery of it simply makes me think less "E" and her friends. I knew about "E's" version of it, and I didn't like the sentiment behind it at all, but having it become a group arts-and-crafts project really upsets me.
Another example of their warm, compassionate sides for you? The bunch of them set up accounts on Plenty of Fish, simply for the purpose of having fake dates with losers so they could have a laugh. I got invited along to one of these, to join the chorus of laughing, but I think I had hockey. I'm glad I couldn't make it. Looking back though I wonder if I wasn't actually invited along to two of these. The first time I met "E's" friends "S" and "C" it was over wings at a pub. "E" swears it wasn't (she says they just wanted to meet me, and she was having a bad day and wanted a friend around), but I suspect this was just one of their set-ups. Bring some unsuspecting guy in, and have the jackals pick him apart. Not a really good feeling. I can't remember if this meeting happened before or after the blog post, but since this was the first time "S" met me in person, I'm sure it really helped improve her opinion.
But the part that really has me wondering about "E" and her character is the Gargamel reference in the blog post. Since they seem to share everything, I'm sure "S" passed on that conversation to "E". And I can't say I really expected her to stand up for me and make a fuss about them calling me ugly, and comparing me to Gargamel. We weren't dating at the time, so whatever. But I would expect that if someone really actually liked me, they wouldn't let something horrible like that develop into a regular nickname.
Well, about a month or so after the date of this blog post, "E" and I were in bed when she kinda sighed "oh Gargy". I was like WTF!?! right on the spot. She babbled out some story about how her roomie is a big Smurfs fan and she was thinking about the episode where Smurfette ends up with some rose-coloured glasses that make her fall in love with Gargamel. She said she wouldn't refer to me that way again, and I didn't really think anything of it. But after reading this blog post, a bunch of ideas have come into my head. It takes a while to actually make something develop as a nickname for someone. Especially if it's more cumbersome than the persons actual name. It takes repetition and frequent use, otherwise you just revert back to the proper name. Why the hell is she calling me Gargamel, a full month after someone refers to me as Gargamel to her cousin in an email? I know she and her friends tend to use nicknames for people almost exclusively, is this my nickname? And even if her story was true, how wonderful is it to think of me as a horrible sorcerer that only made her like me through some type of witchcraft.
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So I read the blog. And I thought. And I pondered. And I started writing a blog post of my own. And I read and I thought and I pondered and I blogged until about 5:30 in the morning. And when I couldn't stand to be in the same bed as "E" for another moment, I went downstairs and played XBOX and fumed. Eventually the dogs woke up and woke up "E" with them. She came down and asked why I wasn't in bed. I told her I couldn't sleep, and she knew something was wrong. She got upset, and finally I told her what was on my mind. I actually showed her a cleaned up version of my first blog post. The first version was possibly the nastiest thing I've ever written. The sanitized version she got was still pretty nasty. So be glad you're not reading those.
But she read it, and then she started to cry. And I wanted her to cry. I wanted her to feel bad. I wanted her to feel as bad as all the people who have ever been mean to me my whole life should feel but never will. And I wanted her to beg my forgiveness. And she did. But she knows I have never forgiven in my life. I hold grudges forever, like little balls of hate, that grow and grow until I can get my revenge. I wanted her to never tell "S" that I read her blog so I could save this information and possibly even gather more, and then use it to destroy "S". I wanted to call up "CW's" girlfriend (thanks for providing his full name "S" on the post titled "Observations" from Dec 9/08 - you might wanna fix that), send her the link to the blog, and see what kind of shit hit the fan then. I wanted to break up with "E" to teach everyone a lesson about how they should be nicer to me.
And through her tears, "E" said she was sorry and that she loved me. That she didn't know what was on the blog, because she hadn't read it all yet. That she wished I'd never seen it. I asked her if she played along, or if she stood up for me, and she confessed to not standing up for me. She swore that she never called me Gargamel though, and that it was never a routine nickname for me. And she promised that me meeting her and the girls for wings wasn't just a set-up for horribleness.
Did I believe "E"? Not for a second. So what did I do then? I made her promise she wouldn't tell "S" I read her blog. The posts on there stop right around when "E" and I started dating and I wanted to see what other kind of horrible revelations popped up. I know with all the cynical knowledge I have of the human race that there wasn't just the one really horrible email exchange. There would be at least one more caused by the beginning of our relationship. It would go on and on about how horrible I was, and how ugly I still was, and how "E" could do better. So in this way, telling her not to tell "S" was a test. If no more horrible posts show up, I would know that "E" had broken her promise and could not be trusted. Also I would have a pretty good idea that "E" knew what future posts would contain and was worried about their content. On the flip side, if the blog posts did show up, I would know "E" had kept her promise, but I would have a bunch more insight into "S" and "CW's" thoughts on things. And from that, I could probably confirm my nickname suspicion, and maybe even more. A masterful plan. Foolproof right?
Wrong. What that plan doesn't take into account is my love for "E". While she was crying, and apologizing, and I was thinking evil thoughts, a little ray of light shone into me. And for once in my life I grabbed onto that little ray of light instead of focusing on my balls of hate. I thought about all the wonderful times that "E" and I have had, and of all the amazing future times I want to have with her. I thought about marrying her, and about having children with her. And I thought about what a wonderful person she is. And about how sorry she was for what had happened. And how scared she was of losing me. And I knew I still wanted to spend the rest of my life with her.
So, I forgave her.
I still don't believe her version of things. My head's version of things seems a lot more realistic, but I've realized it doesn't matter. I love her, and something like this doesn't change that. She's sorry for whatever part she played in it, and I know nothing like this will happen again. I don't need to find out if she told "S" about my reading her blog. It's unfair to play a game testing the extent of a person's loyalty between two people. Especially with a possible guilty conscience thrown in. I don't care what you put on there "S", because "E" is the one I care about and I know she loves me. So blog what you like, or censor what you like, I won't be reading it anymore anyway. And I forgive you too. I'm sure reading this will make you feel bad. I'm sorry, please know that I don't want to make you feel any worse than that. But I want this to be over, and holding a grudge about any part of it, towards any of the participants would be poison to "E" and my happiness.
Forgiveness is not something that comes naturally to me, but I'd like to work on it. If you stick around you'll get to read about me and forgiveness. About hurt feelings, and broken confidences, and about heartbreaks that I still can't really understand. All of them, little balls of hate, bouncing around inside me, clamoring for their chance at revenge. But that's not how it's gonna be anymore and I think this is the first step towards getting rid of all of them.
It starts out with her going on at length about her failing/failed marriage, and moves on to talking about some guys she was interested in. Then it chronicles pretty much all the emails between her and one of the guys (CW) as she reels him in despite him having a live-in girlfriend back at home.
Of course, I really only enjoyed the read until I discovered what was written there about me. Just how I post stuff here about myself that perhaps I wouldn't advertise to others, "S" has written a bit about her opinion of me, which she certainly hasn't been too upfront about. (Understandable, considering what that opinion is).
Apparently "E" sent "S" a couple pictures of me, and of my g/f at the time, "T" (don't worry, I'll get to her on here eventually), and of a picture "T" had painted for me. I can't really say I'm too impressed with "E" about this, since the only reason to send these pics would be for the people looking at them to make fun of them. And make fun of them they did. Some highlights:
Referring to me:
S: "He is the fug one in exhibit A, and exhibit E."
CW: "He kinda looks like this guy" (sends picture of Gargamel)
S: "I told you he's horrible."
S: "ugh, he is so gross...I just don't get how she can even do it."
CW: "I look at it over and over again.. like a bad car accident. like really.. even his girlfriend.. what the hell is she thinking?"
So yeah. I could post the whole thing. Or the link. But I won't. The highlights are enough. I promise I'm not taking it out of context and that the rest of the post is not actually a total 180 that goes on to praise my looks. When I read this, I was pretty pissed off. Not really at "S" so much. I mean, whatever, she thinks I'm ugly. I've been called ugly before. I'm not a "conventionally good looking" guy. It's not like I play Monopoly just hoping to draw the "You Won 2nd Place In a Beauty Contest" card to boost my self worth. (Although it probably would). It certainly explains why I've felt so uncomfortable the couple times since then that "S" complimented me on my outfits. Probably because she:
A) still thinks I'm too ugly to live, but feels guilty so she tries to pretend
B) has gotten used to me enough that she's no longer recoiling in horror, but still feels the severe pangs of insincerity when she forces herself to say something nice.
But in the end, it's ok. I'm not trying to impress her. She seems to have already impressed herself enough for both of us anyway. From another post:
"I get it, I'm a pretty girl. And not in a "from a certain angle" way. In an obvious way. It's a long hair thing, and a nice rack thing. Nice Racks are a key to the obvious pretty. It's how men see me. I'm not a smart girl, or an interesting girl, I'm a pretty girl. The hair and the rack."Lucky her. I'm glad she thinks she's so fucking pretty. It's really hard looking in the mirror everyday and hating what you see, would be much easier if I was that deluded. I don't know her well enough to say if she's a smart girl, or an interesting girl, but she seems to have shallow and mean down pretty solid. Maybe if she thought she had a little more to offer the world than her "long hair" and her "nice rack" she wouldn't be extracting herself from such a fuckmess of a marriage. But like I said, it's ok. I'm not trying to impress her, and her personal opinion doesn't really affect me. Every girl I've dated has said I'm cute, and "E" says I'm cute, handsome, beautiful etc, and that's what's important in all this.
The problem is, this blog, and the thought process it led me down, has me really wondering about that. For starters. What's up with "E" sending a bunch of pictures of me and "T" to someone just to make fun of? "Well, Ren, you can't assume they'd make fun of them", you could say in her defense. But I say that's bunk. That's what "E" and her friends do when they get together. They make fun of people. Sure, I like to look at the world and laugh at what I think is strange, different or unpleasant, but sometimes they take it a lot farther than I'm comfortable with.
For example, the painting that "T" made me that "E" emailed to "S". It's of a couple of gophers kissing while standing next to a vespa type scooter. Well, "E" herself made a replica of it, just as a mockery. And of course she passed it along to "S" just for a laugh at the expense of "T" and her original. But the blog reveals, "S's" toy "CW" made his own reproduction, which was passed back to "E" who thought it was "legendary". "E" even suggested that "S" and their other gal-pal "C" should make their own copies. Ah, so mature. I know that pic of "T's" isn't anything wonderful, and is definitely a little strange. But her heart was in the right place when she made it, and it's really petty and immature to make fun of something made with good intentions. I thought it was sweet, and a nice gesture so making a mockery of it simply makes me think less "E" and her friends. I knew about "E's" version of it, and I didn't like the sentiment behind it at all, but having it become a group arts-and-crafts project really upsets me.
Another example of their warm, compassionate sides for you? The bunch of them set up accounts on Plenty of Fish, simply for the purpose of having fake dates with losers so they could have a laugh. I got invited along to one of these, to join the chorus of laughing, but I think I had hockey. I'm glad I couldn't make it. Looking back though I wonder if I wasn't actually invited along to two of these. The first time I met "E's" friends "S" and "C" it was over wings at a pub. "E" swears it wasn't (she says they just wanted to meet me, and she was having a bad day and wanted a friend around), but I suspect this was just one of their set-ups. Bring some unsuspecting guy in, and have the jackals pick him apart. Not a really good feeling. I can't remember if this meeting happened before or after the blog post, but since this was the first time "S" met me in person, I'm sure it really helped improve her opinion.
But the part that really has me wondering about "E" and her character is the Gargamel reference in the blog post. Since they seem to share everything, I'm sure "S" passed on that conversation to "E". And I can't say I really expected her to stand up for me and make a fuss about them calling me ugly, and comparing me to Gargamel. We weren't dating at the time, so whatever. But I would expect that if someone really actually liked me, they wouldn't let something horrible like that develop into a regular nickname.
Well, about a month or so after the date of this blog post, "E" and I were in bed when she kinda sighed "oh Gargy". I was like WTF!?! right on the spot. She babbled out some story about how her roomie is a big Smurfs fan and she was thinking about the episode where Smurfette ends up with some rose-coloured glasses that make her fall in love with Gargamel. She said she wouldn't refer to me that way again, and I didn't really think anything of it. But after reading this blog post, a bunch of ideas have come into my head. It takes a while to actually make something develop as a nickname for someone. Especially if it's more cumbersome than the persons actual name. It takes repetition and frequent use, otherwise you just revert back to the proper name. Why the hell is she calling me Gargamel, a full month after someone refers to me as Gargamel to her cousin in an email? I know she and her friends tend to use nicknames for people almost exclusively, is this my nickname? And even if her story was true, how wonderful is it to think of me as a horrible sorcerer that only made her like me through some type of witchcraft.
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So I read the blog. And I thought. And I pondered. And I started writing a blog post of my own. And I read and I thought and I pondered and I blogged until about 5:30 in the morning. And when I couldn't stand to be in the same bed as "E" for another moment, I went downstairs and played XBOX and fumed. Eventually the dogs woke up and woke up "E" with them. She came down and asked why I wasn't in bed. I told her I couldn't sleep, and she knew something was wrong. She got upset, and finally I told her what was on my mind. I actually showed her a cleaned up version of my first blog post. The first version was possibly the nastiest thing I've ever written. The sanitized version she got was still pretty nasty. So be glad you're not reading those.
But she read it, and then she started to cry. And I wanted her to cry. I wanted her to feel bad. I wanted her to feel as bad as all the people who have ever been mean to me my whole life should feel but never will. And I wanted her to beg my forgiveness. And she did. But she knows I have never forgiven in my life. I hold grudges forever, like little balls of hate, that grow and grow until I can get my revenge. I wanted her to never tell "S" that I read her blog so I could save this information and possibly even gather more, and then use it to destroy "S". I wanted to call up "CW's" girlfriend (thanks for providing his full name "S" on the post titled "Observations" from Dec 9/08 - you might wanna fix that), send her the link to the blog, and see what kind of shit hit the fan then. I wanted to break up with "E" to teach everyone a lesson about how they should be nicer to me.
And through her tears, "E" said she was sorry and that she loved me. That she didn't know what was on the blog, because she hadn't read it all yet. That she wished I'd never seen it. I asked her if she played along, or if she stood up for me, and she confessed to not standing up for me. She swore that she never called me Gargamel though, and that it was never a routine nickname for me. And she promised that me meeting her and the girls for wings wasn't just a set-up for horribleness.
Did I believe "E"? Not for a second. So what did I do then? I made her promise she wouldn't tell "S" I read her blog. The posts on there stop right around when "E" and I started dating and I wanted to see what other kind of horrible revelations popped up. I know with all the cynical knowledge I have of the human race that there wasn't just the one really horrible email exchange. There would be at least one more caused by the beginning of our relationship. It would go on and on about how horrible I was, and how ugly I still was, and how "E" could do better. So in this way, telling her not to tell "S" was a test. If no more horrible posts show up, I would know that "E" had broken her promise and could not be trusted. Also I would have a pretty good idea that "E" knew what future posts would contain and was worried about their content. On the flip side, if the blog posts did show up, I would know "E" had kept her promise, but I would have a bunch more insight into "S" and "CW's" thoughts on things. And from that, I could probably confirm my nickname suspicion, and maybe even more. A masterful plan. Foolproof right?
Wrong. What that plan doesn't take into account is my love for "E". While she was crying, and apologizing, and I was thinking evil thoughts, a little ray of light shone into me. And for once in my life I grabbed onto that little ray of light instead of focusing on my balls of hate. I thought about all the wonderful times that "E" and I have had, and of all the amazing future times I want to have with her. I thought about marrying her, and about having children with her. And I thought about what a wonderful person she is. And about how sorry she was for what had happened. And how scared she was of losing me. And I knew I still wanted to spend the rest of my life with her.
So, I forgave her.
I still don't believe her version of things. My head's version of things seems a lot more realistic, but I've realized it doesn't matter. I love her, and something like this doesn't change that. She's sorry for whatever part she played in it, and I know nothing like this will happen again. I don't need to find out if she told "S" about my reading her blog. It's unfair to play a game testing the extent of a person's loyalty between two people. Especially with a possible guilty conscience thrown in. I don't care what you put on there "S", because "E" is the one I care about and I know she loves me. So blog what you like, or censor what you like, I won't be reading it anymore anyway. And I forgive you too. I'm sure reading this will make you feel bad. I'm sorry, please know that I don't want to make you feel any worse than that. But I want this to be over, and holding a grudge about any part of it, towards any of the participants would be poison to "E" and my happiness.
Forgiveness is not something that comes naturally to me, but I'd like to work on it. If you stick around you'll get to read about me and forgiveness. About hurt feelings, and broken confidences, and about heartbreaks that I still can't really understand. All of them, little balls of hate, bouncing around inside me, clamoring for their chance at revenge. But that's not how it's gonna be anymore and I think this is the first step towards getting rid of all of them.
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