Worst Boyfriend Ever

The worst boyfriend ever is at it again. Who's that you ask. ME! I answer.

What now? Well, read on and I'll tell you.

I've been burning up with guilt the last couple weeks because I screwed up. And because I was feeling guilty, my messed up head convinced myself that "E" was doing horrible things too. It's funny how that works. When you're hiding something yourself, it's very easy to start thinking the people around you are doing the same, and when you're as neurotic as me, it's extra easy.

So last night my fears and suspicions overwhelmed me, and I worked myself into a complete frenzy. "E" was already asleep, and I find writing usually helps me organize my thoughts, and get on top of things, so I wrote her an email.

She told me, "just to make me jealous" one time that if I'd waited much longer to become available and start dating her, it wouldn't have been a big deal because she had lots of other options. I didn't doubt that for a second, she's simply amazing, and any guy would love to have her. I asked her who, just because I'm snoopy like that, and she told me she had an actual date with one of the lawyers at her old work the night before we started dating. I was stunned. I was sure that she'd already known by then that she and I were going to be together, but then I find out she was going out with other people right up to the last minute....what did that mean?

I asked her for details, and since I probably appeared completely shaken up, she told me. She went for drinks after work, then supper. That was it. Just one date, and barely a date at that. She said she didn't even take it seriously but it was something to do. And why was I worried anyway? I was still dating "T" when it happened, so I couldn't really say anything. I told her I believed her, and that everything was fine....but I was still a bit upset. I teased her about it later that evening which upset her, and I promised not to bug her about it anymore.




It probably would have all been ok, but I had my own guilty secret, which hadn't even happened yet. Back in the first days of "E" and I dating, a work pal mentioned that she knew of a girl that would be perfect for me and that she wanted to set us up. I never really thought much of it at the time, but as time passed, my friend ended up setting up a blind date for the two of us at the Flames game on Jan 30th. I should have never let the ball get rolling. I should have canceled it when things with "E" and I got serious (pretty much immediately). I should have definitely not let it get to be the week it was supposed to happen, and have it still set to go.

But it was. And I told my friend at work that I have a serious girlfriend, and that I shouldn't go. She said it was too late to cancel. I mean what the hell, it wasn't too late, but I still went along with things. I don't know why. I guess with my limited success with the ladies over the years, saying "no" isn't a skill I've really perfected.

So the day of the "date" I was just frantic. I also had the worst cold ever. If you'll recall, the 30th is the day I met "E's" mom for the first time. I was such a mess right before she arrived that I almost passed out. I told "E" it was a mix of nerves, being sick, and not eating....but I know it was guilt. And by then it really was too late to cancel. There was going to be some poor young lady waiting at the game with an empty seat beside her, expecting a guy to show up. I just couldn't bail out then. I had to suck it up and go. So I survived the short visit with Mother "E", and then headed to the game.

She was there when I got there, and the national anthems were just starting. We sat through them, and made our introductions. I was so sick I can't even remember her name. We ended up sitting silently through the game, with only a couple attempts at small talk through the entire three periods. By the end of the game, my throat was so sore, and I was coughing so bad, I couldn't even talk anymore. After the three stars we just said goodbye and drifted into the crowd in our own directions.

I rushed home to "E" who was also under the weather, and we cuddled and everything was good. I told her about some of the characters I'd seen at the game, and some of the people on the train (also documented at my other blog), and we had a good laugh. But the guilt was killing me.




But I didn't want to tell "E" what a dumbass I'd been. I mean....it wasn't a big deal. Just a silly blind date, set up nearly 2 months prior, and I didn't expect it to go anywhere and didn't even make an effort once I was there. I decided I wasn't going to tell her.

But then the guilt really started tearing me up. I remembered back to that date she had, and I started thinking all sorts of things. One time when we were fighting, I asked her if the lawyer guy was a better kisser than me. She blurted out "no", and then caught herself and told me that she'd never kissed him. Hmm....which one is it I wondered. I pressed her a bit, and she said she never kissed the guy. She couldn't have come over and hung out with me that night if she had (and she did that night). And what was I worrying about anyway. "E" and I weren't dating, so I had no right to worry about or dictate her activities.

Well...her original blurt, and the round-about denial with the exemption clause (I didn't kiss him, but if I did....you can't be mad...we weren't dating) just gave my guilt-crazed psyche way too much to work with. If I was going on blind dates that were meaningless.....what kind of horrible things was she up to? I think it's human nature to try not to think of yourself as the worst human being on earth, so it's nice to have someone else to project your horribleness on. And that's what I did.

I started having dreams of her breaking up with me. Telling me that she'd had another boyfriend all along. That her one date was just the start of something bigger, and that she was going to leave me for him, that all her talk about getting married, and having kids with me was just some kind of horrible game, and he was really the man for her. All sorts of stuff. None of it true, but all of it vividly real. I knew it wasn't true....but if I had such an awful secret, maybe she wasn't being completely honest too.

Finally it all got to be too much. My suspicions overwhelmed my reason, and I wrote "E" an email. It asked, no accused, her of lying to me about her date, and everything to do with it. It rambled. It apologized for being a jealous jerk. And then, finally, it got to the real meat of the issue. I told her about my stupid "date". Because that was really it. She wasn't doing anything wrong, but I couldn't believe her when I was being so bad myself. So I spilled the beans. It was 1:30am, and she was asleep. But I needed to tell her, so I woke her up. She was groggy and confused, but she read it. And then she answered my silly questions about her date. But I told her that wasn't the real issue....I didn't really doubt her.

It was all me. So I told her what I did. And I tried to tell her why I did it.....but I really couldn't. I still don't know exactly why I went ahead with it. I've cheated on nearly every girlfriend I've ever had, and here I was doing it all over again. I didn't kiss the girl or anything....but she thought it was a "date", and I did it behind "E's" back. I promised myself I'd never do that again when I broke up with "A", but here I was being a jackass almost just like before.

I shouldn't have ever agreed to go.
I shouldn't have let things get set up at all.
I should have ended things a dozen times before the actual date.
Since I didn't, I should have told "E" beforehand.
Since I didn't tell "E" beforehand, I should have told her immediately afterwards.
Since I didn't tell "E" immediately after, I should have told her before I started making up horrible stories in my head about her having another boyfriend etc.

So "E's" still pretty mad at me, and she's right to be. I'm pretty mad at me. I wish I could go back and do it all properly. But I can't, so now we're going to work through it. But we will, and we'll be better than ever. I know I can trust her, now I just have to convince her she can trust me again.